


Tell Me the Way Home

by amczingphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Reality, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 18:26:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13463991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amczingphil/pseuds/amczingphil
Summary: Realising that you're hopelessly in love with your best friend isn't easy, but trying to secretly drop hints while simultaneously pretending everything is fine is harder.Phil is in love with Dan - he has been for years - and he is trying to figure out how to subtly let him know without ruining their friendship, little does he know, Dan is trying to do the exact same thing.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> another fic? yes i am insane :D
> 
> this started as part of a demon qlcpgc discussion when gabs sent [this](http://philscurls.tumblr.com/tagged/gabs-killed-me-with-this) and i told her that i would turn it into a fic so here we are

It came as somewhat of a surprise to Phil to realise that he was completely head over heels in love with his best friend. He wasn't even sure when his feelings had evolved from simple friendly affection into wishing that he could pull Dan in by the collar of his shirt and kiss him until they were both breathing heavily and looking entirely indecent.

The epiphany dawned on him on a seemingly inconspicuous April night when he and Dan were sitting on their new sofa in what they were referring to as their snuggie, staring at the masses of cardboard boxes that surrounded them on every side. Phil couldn't understand how they had so much stuff, he would have thought it impossible for two people to build up such an insane amount of clutter.  Of course they could have gotten rid of things but somehow when they had been packing up their old apartment everything that they come across was important.

There were boxes upon boxes of gifts and trinkets that their viewers had given them - some of which aged back over five years if not longer - and neither of them could bring themselves to throw any of those away. There was even an entire box full of art that people had created for them, beautiful creations that must have taken hours to complete, obviously they couldn't be thrown in the bin.

Then there were the boxes packed with Phil’s own personal possessions, and there were even more boxes with Dan’s, because apparently fashion meant owning an unnecessarily large amount of high quality clothing that could never be thrown out. That wasn't even to mention the masses of useless rubbish that they had somehow managed to acquire between them. When they had tried to sort it out and find things that they could dispose of they ran into issues.

Everything had some form of importance, there wasn't anything that they were in agreement to bin and it had almost caused them to go insane. Even the little spiderman who had lived on the beaded chain of the blinds in their old lounge had come with them because ‘it had sentimental value’ or so Dan had said.

It was then - sitting between the forest of boxes - that Phil realised he was in love with Dan. It had hit him with the force of a freight train as they laughed over their boxes of takeaway noodles  about how much work they had to do, he was in love with Dan.

“You’ve got a noodle hanging out the corner of your mouth,” Dan said waving his plastic fork in Phil’s direction, they were living off of paper plates and plastic cutlery until they could find the box with their kitchen supplies.

“Uh huh,” Phil muttered in reply, too distracted by the sudden realisation that was repeating itself in his mind.

He loved Dan. he was _in_ love with Dan. He was in love with his best friend.

“Everything alright?” Dan wondered, “you’re very quiet, you’re not having second thoughts are you?”

“Second thoughts?” Phil’s nose scrunched up as he looked at Dan in confusion, “what would I have second thoughts about?”

“Staying together,” Dan said, causing Phil’s mind to race at a million miles an hour with the alternate definitions that could have been applied to that statement, “you know, getting another place together rather than going our separate ways.”

“Why would I have second thoughts about that?” Phil asked, hoping that there was no way for Dan to see how much that thought hurt him, especially as it would someday be a reality.

One day they would be helping each other pack up their belongings all the while knowing that they were going to different places. Who would get the little spiderman then? What would they do with all the stuff that they shared? Those thoughts were too much for Phil to handle so he cast them out of his mind. He would deal with them when the time came.

“I don’t know, it’s just a big deal,” Dan said as he avoided eye contact.

Phil understood what Dan was convolutedly trying to say. There reached a point where people would stop viewing them as the friends that shared a flat alongside a career and eventually wondered if there was something more to their ‘relationship’ that was being kept a secret.

It was inevitable, they had already seen the increase in viewers who ‘shipped’ them and the arguments between those people and the people who believed they were really just friends, so the fact they had chosen another flat together really wouldn't help to dispel those rumours. For the first time though, Phil wasn't sure that he wanted the rumours to end. At least he could live vicariously through them. It was insane for him to think that and he knew it, but he couldn't help it.

“I like having you around,” Phil said as evasively as possible, “I think I would get lonely if I didn't have anyone.”

“Besides, this is just a temporary place, right?” Dan asked with a bright smile, “we’re not tied down here forever.”

“Right,” Phil agreed with less enthusiasm.

Temporary. They had discussed that at length when they had been initially looking for a place, both of them had been focusing too much on what they wanted their home to be like long term and eventually they had sat down and agreed that they would have to accept some flaws with their chosen flat as they were only looking for a temporary place.

Thinking back, Phil realised that he had been in love with Dan even back then as he had left that conversation feeling unsure and strangely dejected. That night he had gone to his bed early and turned off all the lights so that he could stare blankly at nothing and try to imagine that the darkness was smothering all his thoughts and feelings until eventually there would be nothing left of him but an empty shell. He hadn't realised then that he had felt so down about the thought of someday living away from the man he loved.

Maybe he was stupid, or maybe he hadn't been ready to accept it, but Phil had most definitely subconsciously set out to find a flat with the intention of spending years in it with Dan. Truthfully, now that Phil was actually thinking about it - he was struggling to think of a period of their lives where he _wasn’t_ secretly holding feelings for his best friend.

“I kind of want a Bonsai,” Dan murmured, breaking the comfortable silence and luring Phil back into reality, “what do you think?”

“A Bonsai?” Phil asked wondering where the thought had even come from, “I don't know, aren’t they easy to kill?”

“I won’t kill it,” Dan said, before grinning teasingly in a way that made Phil’s heart stutter in a way that was probably medically dangerous, “I’m not you.”

“My plants are thriving, I’ll have you know.”

Dan snorted at Phil’s statement, obviously disagreeing, but Phil didn't care because he was too busy noticing the way that Dan’s eyes glistened with the light of thousands of stars as he smiled. It was like the universe was supporting Dan’s good mood.

Is that what love was? Sitting with your best friend eating bad noodles at eleven o’clock in a room harshly lit by a naked bulb hanging from the ceiling - they hadn't unpacked the lampshade yet - while both of you looked a mess but somehow still being able to see the other person’s beauty?

Dan was sitting in the same clothes that he had been wearing all day while lugging around boxes and honestly he smelled bad, but so did Phil. They were both sweaty and tired, but Phil couldn't say that Dan wasn't beautiful in that moment. He was suddenly incredibly grateful that he was the one who got to sit by Dan and see the way his curls stuck up in the air because he either hadn't realised, or had been too busy to fix it.  

Phil forcibly quashed the temptation to reach out and smooth it down, just because he’d had his epiphany didn't mean that he had to make things weird. He was sure that Dan didn't want his friend to randomly start messing with his hair.

Would it be weird? For him to continue living with Dan even though the entire time he would be thinking about how friendship wasn't enough for him, he wanted more. Maybe it would be, but Phil was too selfish to leave and he wasn't about to ruin both their lives by admitting his feelings for the sake of his own happiness.

“Wait, there are olives at the bottom of these noodles,” Dan said suddenly, yanking Phil out of his dangerous thoughts, sure enough there was a tiny ball of grossness attached to the end of Dan’s plastic fork, “that’s so strange, who puts olives in noodles?”

“Are you sure it’s an olive?” Phil asked, “maybe it's a grape or something?”

“Why the fuck would there be grapes?” Dan asked, looking at Phil like he had two heads.

“I don’t know, for the same reason there would be olives?” Phil said shrugging, “I don’t even like olives, why would they do that to me?”

“To you?” Dan asked, “they did it to both of us.”

“Mainly me though, poor me,” Phil said wallowing in pity as he stared at the noodles that he wouldn't be able to finish.

“You know what?” Dan asked, “I heard that there is a way to make yourself like olives.”

“Really?” Phil asked skeptically , “are you trying to trick me?”

“Why would I do that?” Dan asked innocently.

“Because you’re you,” Phil said before sighing and letting curiosity get the better of him, “alright then, what’s this trick? Will doctor’s hate me for it?”

“Never try and create a meme like that, I’ll disown you,” Dan threatened, “and the trick is to eat seven olives. If you eat seven of them then your taste buds become used to them and you even begin to enjoy the taste.”

“That sounds implausible,” Phil decided.

“No, seriously, it’s a thing,” Dan insisted, “I read an actual article on it, it had scientific terms and everything.”

“‘Scientific terms’,” Phil quoted, “yeah, that sounds entirely believable.”

“Just try it, it’ll work.”  Dan said sounding far more excited than he had any right to be, not that Phil could be mad about that; the way he was grinning made his dimple appear deeper than it had any right to be and Phil wanted to reach out and touch it, just to see if it was as deep as it looked.

“Fine,” Phil grumbled while secretly knowing that he would do anything for Dan, “seriously though, why are there olives in here?”

“I don’t know, maybe it’s the universe’s way of telling you face your aversion and eat the damn olives,” Dan said.

“Wow, the universe has an attitude problem,” Phil said.

“Phil,” Dan whined stretching out the vowel as he always did when he was trying to get his own way, it was now apparent to Phil why that technique worked, Phil loved to hear his own name roll off Dan’s tongue. How had he managed to stay so blind to his feelings for such a long time?

Every warning siren in Phil’s mind was blaring and there wasn't a single sign telling him that it was a good idea to listen to Dan, and yet he did anyway.

“Do I have to do them all together or one at a time?” Phil asked, as if there was any scientific basis to the rubbish that Dan was spouting.

“All together,” Dan said, “otherwise you might chicken out halfway through and make the aversion stronger.”

“That’s the biggest load of rubbish I have ever heard,” Phil said.

“And yet you're doing it,” Dan said with a smirk that made Phil’s heart flip over in his chest.

“You’re an arse,” Phil muttered before taking a deep breath and shoving all the small handful of olives into his mouth.

The taste was instantly disgusting and his face screwed up as he fought the urge to spit them out into the carton of noodles, no matter how gross it would look.  It couldn't be as bad as the taste of them.

“Swallow, swallow, you have to swallow,” Dan was chanting as Phil tried his best to force them down while simultaneously trying not to retch.

“That was the most disgusting thing I have ever done, it didn't work,” Phil said once his mouth was clear.

“Of course it was, there was no way that would have worked you idiot,” Dan said with a snigger.

“I’m going to kill you in your sleep,” Phil threatened, although most of the bite was taken away by the fact that he was wiping at his tongue with a napkin to try and remove the taste.

“I can’t believe you actually swallowed,” Dan said, shaking his head lightly.

“Well,” Phil said mischievously, “I will if he insists but I don’t like the taste.”

“Phil,” Dan practically yelled as he looked around for a pillow to throw before realising that they hadn't unpacked any yet, “what happened to the whole ‘no bringing up shit we said before we developed filters’ rule?”

“You made me eat olives, that was a free pass,” Phil answered without remorse.

“You’re cold Lester.”

“I’m about to get even colder,” Phil said, “I’m indirecting you on twitter.”

“You are not,” Dan said.

**Phil Lester** **  
** @AmazingPhil

_I was told if I ate 7 olives I’d like the taste!_   
_Well I just did and it was a massive lie and I_ _  
want to eat my own tongue to get rid of it_

“I can’t believe you,” Dan muttered.

“You betrayed me,” Phil said petulantly as he hastily typed out a few replies to his followers.

“I have lost all trust in people and olives,” Dan read out, before leaning in closer to Phil to look him in the eye, “you’ve lost all trust in me have you?”

“All of it,” Phil lied as he tried to hide how being so close to Dan made his breath catch and his eyes wander down to those perfectly kissable lips.

What would happen if he just leaned in and kissed Dan? No, he couldn't do that to Dan, he wouldn't ruin a good thing, and their friendship was a great thing.

“I think I should go to bed,” Phil said hoarsely as he leaned back to try and clear his mind of Dan’s hypnotic gaze.

“We haven't unpacked the bedding yet,” Dan reminded him.

“Don't worry, I’ll do that.” Phil said jumping out of his seat in an effort to put some distance between them before he did something that he knew he would regret, “you can finish your olives.”

“Phil?” Dan shouted after him, “did I say something wrong?”

“No, it's just been a long day and I’m tired.”

He knew that Dan wouldn't believe him but he would get over it, there was plenty of time for Phil to act normal in the future, he just needed to come to terms with his feelings and then he could work on getting over them.

Just that thought alone was painful, he didn't want to ‘get over’ Dan, he wanted to be able to walk into their home and kiss him gently on the cheek before moving to kick off his shoes so that they could settle in bed together and watch the latest episode of _Food Wars_ while talking about what they were going to make for their tea.

How long would he spend living with the man he loved but couldn't have? Surely he could manage a few more years, he’d already done it since 2009. Maybe the only reason it had taken him so long to accept the truth about his feelings was because he had been too afraid of losing Dan, but then if that was true then it insinuated that he was ready to lose Dan.

It was all far too confusing and Phil just wanted to go to sleep and forget about those beautiful eyes that seemed to hold thousands of tempting memories and emotions.

“I’m so screwed,” Phil murmured to himself as he ripped open yet another cardboard box that was filled with Dan’s belongings.


	2. two

For some reason Phil had expected to see a change following his epiphany, perhaps things would have been more awkward between them or maybe he would have slipped up and said something that he shouldn't have, but none of that had happened. Really, he shouldn't have been surprised about that, he had after all been secretly in love for years, even if he hadn't realised it himself because he was an oblivious fool. 

Life continued as it normally did, but suddenly Phil was noticing more. He realised that all of those small things that he had once thought nothing of, suddenly meant so much more. Even the simple things - like knowing that Dan preferred to drink tea rather than coffee after five o’clock in the afternoon otherwise he would struggle to fall asleep at night - suddenly felt more important. No one but Phil knew that the best way to wake Dan up in the morning wasn't to knock on his door loudly and nag him out of his bed, it was instead best to open the door ever so slightly and begin making breakfast. The smell of coffee and toast was enough to waken Dan’s stomach which in turn would bring Dan stumbling through to the kitchen while rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He  _ knew  _ that and he was the only one who did. 

Once upon a time Phil would have laughed at the way Dan’s hair would stick up in every direction as he tiredly plonked himself in a chair, but now he found it heart wrenchingly endearing. How lucky he was to be able to see the sleepy Dan that no one else would ever get to see. 

Phil wondered what it would be like to wake up in bed next to Dan every morning, to open his eyes and have Dan be the first thing he would see, he could imagine that it would set him up for a bright day.  He wanted to know what it would be like to be able to reach out and take Dan’s hand in his own on a whim; Dan’s hand would fit perfectly in his own and there was nothing that could convince Phil otherwise. 

“What’s the plan for today?” Dan asked through a yawn as he wandered into the kitchen, scaring Phil half to death and he fought to keep the sheepish look off his face. It was like he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“I uh-” Phil stammered feeling relieved that Dan wasn't able to read his mind and see how smitten he was, “I thought that we could tackle the gaming room today.”

“Really?” Dan asked. 

“Why not?” Phil said with a shrug trying not to focus too much on the way that Dan rubbed his eyes - it was cute. 

“Well, we’ve been here a few days and we haven’t even unpacked the kitchen utensils yet,” Dan said, “we’re living off the bare minimum. When I said I wanted to trial a minimalistic bedroom I hadn't intended for it to stretch to include the entire house.”

“The gaming channel is a huge part of our income,” Phil said, “I know we did the joint live show the other day but we really need to get back into the flow of producing regular content.”

Phil had rewatched the live show that they had done and posted to LessAmazingPhil and he wondered whether others had noticed the way that he was always staring at Dan on the screen rather than into the camera to create a connection with their audience. 

He hadn't been able to help himself, Dan had just looked so good in that live show, his hair was perfectly soft and fluffy and throughout the entire live show Phil had to physically restrain himself from reaching across and touching it to see if it lived up to its appearance. Even Dan’s pink t-shirt had been perfect as it had created a peachy looking hue on his cheeks and made Phil’s heart pick up in speed like he wouldn't have thought possible. 

That was until Dan had said the words that caused Phil’s mind to freeze and his heart to stutter and falter. 

“I mean this isn't a forever home,” Dan had said seriously. 

Phil had always known that they wouldn't be staying in the duplex forever, he knew that it was only temporary because they would eventually need to buy a place to ensure their future was safe. They had moved in with that knowledge, it was nothing new. 

The only problem was that in Phil’s mind they would always end up buying their forever home together and it would be something that was distinctly theirs. It would be a shared home for them to grow old and continue to have playful arguments over cereal in. That was Phil’s dream and unfortunately it would forever remain a dream, he couldn't lump all of that onto Dan, it wasn't fair. 

How did you tell your best friends that you wanted to buy a house with them and live together forever without inadvertently confessing your feelings?

It was impossible. There was literally no way at all that it would work, even if they had been discussing the idea of their perfect forever home for a while. 

One of Phil’s main issues was that he didn't know what he wanted his forever home to be like because all of his ideas were dependent on having Dan there. Without Dan, it all meant nothing. 

“So the gaming room,” Dan said, pulling Phil from his thoughts, as he opened a cupboard and pulled out a box of strawberry country crisp cereal that Phil made a mental note to steal later, “what’s your vision for it?”

“My vision?” Phil asked with a snort. 

“Shut up, if we’re redesigning our gaming room then we may as well make it exactly what we want,” Dan said. 

“Yeah, I know,” Phil said deciding to humour Dan, “I was actually thinking of ordering some of those soundproofing blocks for the walls.”

“Really?” Dan asked. 

“Well, with the way you scream we’ll need it,” Phil said. 

“Rude,” Dan muttered, “you have a point though, we’ve just gotten here, we don't want to upset our neighbours before we’ve even passed our probation period.”

“So soundproofing?”

“Soundproofing for sure,” Dan agreed, “what else are you thinking?”

“I was thinking a lot about where we could put the computer,” Phil said, “I’d rather have it so that we are facing the door.”

“Because you’re a wuss and you get scared during spooky week?” Dan asked with a laugh.

“No,” Phil lied unsuccessfully, “it’s because I’m a big, brave man and if someone breaks in while I have my headphones on then I want to be able to fight them.” 

“That’s horseshit,” Dan said, “you’re terrified of people breaking in, that part was true, but you’re more scared of me sneaking up behind you and scaring you to death.” 

“At least I’m not the one who’s scared of the dark,” Phil said.

“The dark is scary, it’s a legitimate fear,” Dan argued, “does creepy shit happen in the daytime in horror movies? No, it happens at night, when it’s dark.” 

Phil couldn’t help but smile to himself at the two of them sitting there with their soggy cereal playfully dragging each other while knowing that none of their comments were malicious. They were the sort of friends who could make fun of each other’s fears because at the end of the day they knew that it was all meant with love and the  mere presence of Dan was enough to placate all Phil’s home invasion concerns.

Dan made Phil feel safe, and it was something that only made Phil’s feelings towards his curly haired companion grow stronger. 

“It’s nice that the gaming room is bigger now, we could branch out and try new things,” Phil said. 

“Like VR?” Dan asked excitedly.

“Are you kidding?” Phil asked, “we’ll be demonitised because I threw up on camera.” 

“No we won’t, we can edit out the explosion of vomit.”

“I meant we could go back the the handicapped gaming series,” Phil said, “you know, another three legged DDR video?” 

“No way,” Dan said resolutely, “we nearly broke our bones playing that, it would just be chancing fate to try it again. We’re not idiots.” 

“Fine,” Phil groaned, “but we really do need to start the ball rolling with ideas for games.” 

“We will, all we have to do is scroll down the comments of a few videos and we’ll be inundated with ideas,” Dan said with a shrug, “if you’re willing to face the YouTube comments that it.” 

“Actually they might have to be something we face in the future,” Phil said slyly.

“Why don’t I like the sound of that?” Dan asked rhetorically.

“Gaming live streams,” phil said proudly.

“Gaming?” Dan asked.

“Yeah, isn’t it tempting?” 

“It sounds like a recipe for disaster,” Dan said, “there is no way that would work, you saw how glitchy that live stream was the other day, imagine trying to stream ourselves and a game at the same time?” 

“I mean obviously there’s some creases to iron out,” Phil agreed, “but it’s possible, I know it.” 

“Sure it is,” Dan said, “I’ll leave that one with you to work out.” 

The thing was, Phil was determined to work it out because he was focusing all his energy on building up the gaming channel. He had ideas upon ideas and he would see them all through to the end for one very selfish reason.

Dan.

The gaming channel was  _ theirs _ and if they started putting a lot of work into it then Dan would begin to feel more and more dedicated to uploading to it. Maybe it was selfish of Phil, but as long as the gaming channel was thriving then there was a chance that Dan would stick around. 

“I really need to unpack my bedroom too,” Dan said through a mouthful of cereal which caused a piece to fly out and land on the table between them, Phil scrunched his nose up, “sorry.” 

“S’alright,” Phil shrugged, “what’s the rush to unpack? We’re going to be here for a while.” 

“Yeah, but the way that the boxes are stacked in the corner of the room makes it look like there’s someone watching me sleep.” Dan said with a sheepish shrug. 

“Maybe there is, maybe it’s the ghost of the person who lived here before us,” Phil said wiggling his eyebrows, “old Frederick.”

“Well Frederick needs to stop being a stalker and let me sleep,” Dan insisted, “he’s unnerving.” 

In another time Phil would have flashed Dan a cocky smile and suggested that he join Phil in his bed, there was plenty of room for the two of them. It was something that his younger self would have thought nothing of saying and Phil could almost imagine the blush that would paint Dan’s cheeks like the rising sun when he heard the flirtatious comment. 

Phil’s main problem was that he didn’t get crushes so he wasn't really sure how to deal with them, he had people that he kind of liked but in a platonic way and then he would form feelings in such a slow way that he didn’t even realise it until it was this huge chunk of his very being. It was too late to stop it then, the feelings had mutated and evolved into love before he had even realised what he was feeling had even been a crush. 

Now Phil was stuck with the knowledge that he had gone through all of that for the one person he could never have. Life really was completely unfair. 

“Are you alright?” Dan asked and Phil was surprised to see him leaning forward, cereal abandoned, with a look of genuine concern on his face, “you’ve been so quiet ever since we moved in.”

“Moving house is stressful,” Phil lied with a shrug, “and I’ve been thinking a lot about different things that we can do throughout this year, I don't know. I think the creative juices are flowing and kind of cutting me off from reality a little.”

The only creative juices that were flowing were the ones that formed Phil’s daydreams: images of the two of them walking hand in hand along a trail on the Isle on Man floated to the forefront of his mind; him waking Dan with a gentle kiss on his cheek and a stroke of his finger along that stunning jawline; lying awake in bed and tracing patterns into the freckles on Dan’s shoulders in the light of the moon; leaving random sticky notes in various places throughout their home  with ‘I love you’ scrawled on them just to brighten Dan’s day. 

So many thoughts, so many dreams and all of them were ever so slightly out of Phil’s grasp.

“Sounds like you need another holiday,” Dan said. 

“I wish,” Phil muttered, “we’ve just gotten back, there’s no way we could justify that.”

It had been a good holiday too, Phil just hadn't appreciated at the time how much it had meant to have Dan there with his family at the time. Sometimes he worried that Dan didn't view himself as part of the Lester family so their recent holiday was something that he hoped would have changed that opinion. 

Phil’s family adored Dan, almost more than they liked Phil. He even used to joke that Dan was the little brother than Martyn had never had, and honestly Dan could see how much Dan looked up to his big brother, as the oldest in his family Dan had always had to be the role model, so seeing him actually look to Martyn for advice was heartwarming. 

Phil  _ wanted  _ Dan to find safety within his family, he wanted him to be happy and comfortable to come to any of them with his thoughts and problems, but most of all Phil wanted to know that Dan knew how much he meant to all of them. 

He was in a unique position as Dan’s best friend to hear all of the thoughts and feelings that no one else got to know about, he had been there through all the ups and downs and he had sat by Dan’s side as he climbed out of the dark pit in his mind time after time, but still there was something that Dan was hiding. Phil knew it as well as he knew all the ways to make Dan’s dimple appear. 

He wasn't sure what it was that Dan was hiding but he knew that it had to be big if Dan was keeping it from him. 

“It’s going to be fine,” Dan said, pulling Phil from his thoughts once more, “sure we have a lot to do and while we were dying to get out of our old flat this one just doesn’t feel like home yet, but maybe that’s because we haven't been making an effort to actually unpack our stuff. It’s mostly an empty flat with the odd thing lying around here and there and masses of boxes.”

“You’re right,” Phil murmured, he knew why he hadn't unpacked yet, it was because he was scared of seeing the proof that he had been in love for years hidden in those boxes, but he wasn't sure why Dan had been putting it off too, “we should just bite the bullet and do it.”

“Do you still want to start with the gaming room?” Dan asked. 

“Yeah, if we get enough done today we could film something quick tomorrow,” Phil suggested. 

“Alright, I’m going to shower and try to find some clean clothes hidden in those damn boxes so we can start in an hour?” 

“Sure,” Phil said, hoping that he didn't appear to be as affected by the thought of Dan in the shower as he suddenly felt. 

It was beginning to get annoying - everything that Dan did was causing a reaction in Phil. Whether it was his heart thumping like it was running in the Grand Prix or his stomach flipping around as it rode a rollercoaster around his stomach, he was continuously hurting in the best possible way. 

It was just a shame that there was nothing that he could do about his feelings except for admire Dan from a distance and dream about what it might be like to be the special person in his life. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come tell me what you thought on tumblr @amczingphil!!
> 
> i hope you enjoyed!! i love you guys <33


	3. three

Their new flat slowly began to transform itself into a home as they worked on unpacking the masses of boxes that lined the walls and formed mini forts in the rooms they used the least. The gaming room was still the only room that was completely unpacked still, but Phil wasn’t going to scoff at their progress, plus while he said it was completely unpacked they were still using cardboard boxes as little tables.

He wasn’t completely sure why he was so reluctant to unpack. He had previously thought that it was because he would be faced with all the years of proof that he was in love with Dan but there was more to it than that, besides he wanted to live with Dan for the rest of his life.

Maybe it was just because Dan didn't seem very motivated to unpack either and that made Phil feel like Dan was wishing that he could be living alone rather than together. After everything they had been through, maybe Dan was finally feeling ready to move on. 

No, that was absurd, why would he have agreed to move to the new place with Phil if he didn't want to? There had been countless opportunities for Dan to say that he would rather move into his own place and leave behind the Dan and Phil’ branding that had somehow encompassed their lives and careers. 

At least that branding was how the world saw them, but that wasn't how it was to them though, Phil didn't see his friendship with Dan as a brand, he saw it as a once in a lifetime opportunity and sometimes it hurt him to think about how they never could have met. 

Dan could have decided against messaging him; Phil could have ignored the message; Dan’s parents could have refused to let him board that train; the conversation could have died out before they’d gotten to know one another.

There were so many things that could have been slightly different and led to an entirely alternate reality. Phil supposed that was the danger of living in the past, people would not only worry about missed opportunities but also look at their lives now and dwell on how easily they could have lost it all. 

“Boo,” Dan hadn't yelled it but Phil still jumped out of his skin as the quiet whisper blew air into his ear and jerked him violently from his thoughts of the very person who was standing just behind him with a shit eating grin stretched across his face. 

“Ew, I think you got your spit in my ear,” Phil muttered frantically pawing at his own ear. 

“That sucks for you,” Dan said with a cocky grin. 

“I’m going to get a disease and die,” Phil whined melodramatically.

“That’s rude,” Dan muttered, “wait, are you saying I’m doomed to die?”

“We all are,” Phil said with a shrug. 

“Ok stop that, you’re not me,” Dan said, “no more death talk.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Don’t call me Sir,” Dan said with the noise of a strangled goose. 

“You have the strangest of requests,” Phil said as he rolled his eyes. 

“Trust me, this is a perfectly reasonable request,” Dan insisted, “but that’s all I’m saying about it because I don’t want you talking about this is a live show or something.”

That stung, truthfully, Phil knew exactly what he was doing when he called Dan certain things, but knowing that Dan didn't want other people to know was like a red hot poker being shoved into his back and twisted brutally. Was it really so bad for people to hear things like that? Obviously they were joking, but was that such a terrible thought that Dan didn't want others to know about their little jokes?

It was difficult for Phil, because he wanted to share everything with Dan and he wanted Dan to feel safe enough with him to share their life with their viewers but Dan seemed to want to keep everything between them private. 

Phil was a private person by nature, he didn't think that people were entitled to know all of his business just because he had a fair gathering of followers on various social media platforms. At least that was how he usually felt but thanks to Dan all that changed.

There was nothing that Phil wanted more than to be able to scream to the world how much he loved Dan, he wanted to share all his favourite things about him from the way his hair curled so perfectly to the way that he would throw his head back and let out a laugh so loud and happy that it would shake the very foundations of their home. 

Home. Phil felt like a traitor for even thinking to call their place that, after all it wasn't really their home. It was just a deceitful shell that was holding them together until the moment that Dan would finally speak up and bring the hammer down on the fragile safety Phil had created. How long did he have? How long until Dan ruined him completely? 

Phil was terrified of having his heart broken by the gentle giant that was his best friend, but it was beginning to seem inevitable. Every day he fell a little further and a little harder for his friend and it was completely unfair because he was doomed to a future filled with pain and regret. He would spend days asking himself ‘what if?’ what if he had just confessed his feelings and told Dan how much he wanted to trace his fingers over those rough lips and whisper sweet nothings into his ear in the dark of night? 

He had no idea how Dan would react but he was sure that it wouldn't be a positive reaction and he would be left wishing he could travel back in time. Would Dan be disgusted? Would he ask Phil to leave? Would he leave himself? What would happen? 

“Do you think tonight would be a good night to upload that sims video?” Dan asked, falling into his usual seat beside Phil on the sofa. 

“It would make sense, I don't have anything else planned for tonight,” Phil said with a shrug hoping that it wasn't apparent how affected he was by the way that it was so natural for Dan to just be  _ there _ , beside him. 

“That was a good video,” Dan said quietly and Phil could almost hear his mind whirring with words that he was holding in, what was it that he was holding in? What was on his mind? Phil wished that he knew. 

“It was fun to film,” Phil agreed thinking back over it. It had been their thirty-ninth episode which was mind boggling to Phil, how had they managed to film for an entire thirty-nine episodes? 

Dan had been completely distracting throughout the whole thing, he had been wearing that black plaid shirt that made him look soft - even though he thought it made him edgy. Once Phil would have frowned in confusion and wondered what people meant when they called people soft, but he understood now, there was no way that he could have looked at Dan and described him as anything other than the epitome of soft. 

It was strange to think that they had known each other for years and yet they were still learning about each other, such as their shared sand pit experience. 

What would it have been like if there had been fewer miles between them and they were the same age? Would they have been friends as children? Or would they have been those two kids who were so similar and had so much in common that they ended up competing and hating each other? Somehow Phil could see that happening. It was just the irony that was his life. 

“You’ve been doing that a lot,” Dan said with a small frown.

“Huh?” Phil asked, “doing what?”

“That,” Dan repeated, “zoning out and getting lost in your own mind. It worries me sometimes.”

“It’s nothing,” Phil said evasively, “I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking lately but it isn't anything that you should worry about.”

“You know that you can talk to me whenever you need to right?”

Oh if only he knew what was really going on in Phil’s mind, if he could see the thoughts that spiralled through his consciousness on a day to day basis while he took in everything that Dan would say and do and try to remember it. Would it even be possible to talk to Dan about his crush without revealing that it was actually him he liked?

Maybe it would be worth a shot and at least that way if Dan was to give him any advice it would help him in getting the man he was actually pining over. 

“Phil,” Dan prompted.

“I’m sorry, I am,” Phil said, “I know I keep getting lost in my brain but there’s so much going on in there that sometimes I’m just getting lost and I forget that I need to get out again.”

“Do you think you might need to see a doctor?” Dan asked with concern, “that sounds a lot like how I would feel before I started on my antidepressants.”

“No, no, I’m not explaining it right,” Phil said quickly, “this is a good kind of lost, I don't want to leave those thoughts behind, they’re painfully perfect.”

“Do you mind if I ask what they are?” Dan said. 

“I-” Phil faltered. He couldn't tell Dan the entire truth, it just wasn't fair, but maybe the smallest grain of truth would help. It would explain to Dan why he was beginning to act weird all the time and it would allow Phil himself to get some of his struggles off his chest. 

“You don't  _ have  _ to tell me you know,” Dan said quietly trying to sound earnest but Phil could hear the hurt in his voice as he tried to reassure him. 

“I want to,” Phil said quickly, “I’m just struggling with the right way to say it, if that makes any sense?”

“It does,” Dan said, “trust me, if anyone can understand not being able to find the right words, it’s me.”

“What would you recommend?”

“Whatever feels easiest,” Dan said with a shrug, “you can be as blunt or rambly as you like. I’m the rambly type, you’ll never get an easy admission from me, but I try my best.”

“Trust me, I know that, I’ve listened to countless rambles of yours over the last few years,” Phil said with a snort.

“And I’m ready to listen to yours if you’re ready to share,” Dan said. 

“I think-” Phil sighed, “I know that I’m- I want to say to someone that- oh, I don't know.”

“You want to tell someone you don't know?” Dan asked. 

“No,” Phil said with a frustrated laugh, “I know exactly what I want to tell them but I don't know how to tell them that.”

“Right,” Dan said, “that cleared it up.”

“I think I have feelings for someone.”

“Oh,” the word feel out of Dan’s mouth as though it didn't have permission to do so and Phil could hear a slight edge to the word that sent his mind whirring into overdrive with fear that he had said something wrong.

“Oh?” Phil asked. 

“I mean that’s great, who-” Dan paused and swallowed, “who is it?”

“I can't say,” Phil said quickly, “I know that it sounds stupid but I’m trying to get over them, I don't want to feel this way any longer because a relationship between the me and that person is just insane, it would never work out.”

“Why not?” Dan asked, sounding happier than he had before for some reason, maybe the shock had just gotten to him. Phil wasn't really the sort to talk about crushes and feelings after all. 

“Because if it ended badly it would hurt a lot of people, and I couldn't do that to them,” Phil said.

“So you want my help in getting over them?” Dan assumed. 

Phil hadn't considered that option, but it would make sense, who else would be better at helping Phil to get over Dan than Dan himself? It was a foolproof plan and it meant that Phil would be able to maintain his most important friendship, he wouldn't end up losing Dan because of his heart. 

“That might be a good idea,” Phil said slowly, considering it. 

“Right, where so we start?” Dan asked, “do I get to know who this mystery person is?”

“No, no way, it’ll make it harder.”

“Alright, how about your feelings?” Dan asked not at all put off by Phil’s refusal to tell him who he had feelings for exactly, “how bad are they?”

“Sometimes I think about this person and I wonder if I could be in love with them,” Phil said quietly. 

“Well,  fuck,” Dan muttered. 

“The way they smile makes my heart race and I everything about their face from that crooked tooth to the shape of their nose when they smile.”

“Phil, you’ve got it bad,” Dan said hoarsely. 

“Tell me about it, why do you think I’ve been so lost in my thoughts?”

“Alright, are you sure that you want to get over this person?” Dan asked with a semblance of reluctance, “judging by the way that you talk about them, you two could have something really special, isn’t that worth a shot?”

Dan had no idea what he was trying to talk Phil into, it would have been funny if it wasn't so painful. It was like being faced with the most delicious food and having two people standing by you - one whispering to go for it and the other telling you that you would have an allergic reaction. 

Sometimes you had to weigh the pros and the cons, in this case Phil wasn't ready to risk an adverse reaction.

“I need to,” Phil said certainly. 

“Alright then, I’ll help you,” Dan said with a genuine smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't think i was going to make it today, that was close, i checked it v quick
> 
> i need sleep i have work in 7 hours 
> 
> come chat on tumblr @amczingphil- if there are any typos send a *nice* message to me please <333 love you all


	4. four

Phil wanted it to be known that Daniel Howell had to be the worst person in the world at helping him get over his crush; ever since he had admitted that he had feelings for someone everything that Dan did had become so much more tempting and Phil didn't even think that he realised what he was doing. How could someone be subconsciously seductive? 

To be fair, and to give Dan the benefit of the doubt, he didn't know that he was the person who Phil was trying to get over, but somehow millions of coincidences were falling into place in a way that sent Phil’s mind spinning wildly in circles before crashing into the ground. 

Dan would make him a cup of coffee and when he handed it over their fingers would brush against each other for a brief moment which would send butterflies fluttering through Dan’s stomach in swooping waves. Just that slight brush of their fingers was enough to make Phil’s heart speed up in a way that may have alarmed him if it wasn't so painfully addictive. 

Sometimes Phil would wonder whether may have actually stood a chance with Dan, sometimes he imagined what it would be like if he had the confidence to actually admit his feelings to Dan, sometimes he would lie awake at night with nothing but an overwhelming sense of loneliness and pain. He would gasp and pant as though the air was being pulled from the room and leaving him in a vacuum of darkness and despair. Was that how he was doomed to live? Alone and feeling the agony of unrequited love? 

For Phil, falling in love with Dan was like riding on a rollercoaster, it was the slow gradual climb that seemed so effortless that it wasn't until he reached the top that you realised how high he had come, followed by the uncontrollable decline that would send his stomach flipping and spinning with the thrill and fear of the fall. Once at the bottom, there would be a brief second for him to catch his breath before being sent into a terrifying loop that restarted the entire process. The only difference was that there was no way for Phil to get off the rollercoaster, he was strapped in with no emergency stop, almost like he was being punished for something.

People who said unrequited love wasn't painful had obviously never been in love with someone who didn't return their feelings. Everyday was agony; everyday Phil watched Dan flourish and grow in confidence, but he couldn't help but feel like he was being left behind. 

Dan was amazing, he was everything good in the world and Phil  _ wasn't. _ How could he dream of having a chance with Dan when Phil could never live up to being the sort of person that Dan deserved? On of the most painful things was the way that Dan spoke about himself and how he would make a self deprecating comments when in reality he was  _ everything _ . He was everything that was good in the world but there was no way for Phil to convince Dan of that without admitting his feelings.

They had been in their new flat only a few months when the idea came to them; another tour. It seemed ridiculous, it seemed like something that they were saying they should do but in reality had no chance of actually pulling it off. 

“We could do it,” Dan whispered one evening as they listened to the ten o’clock news and went about their usual evening routines. Dan was scrolling on his laptop aimlessly and Phil was pretending to look at his phone but in reality he was tracing the outline of Dan’s nose with his eyes. Did Dan realise that he had a really good nose? Would it be weird for Phil to mention it? 

“Do what?” Phil wondered as he pretended to look at something on his brightly lit phone screen so that Dan wouldn't realise where his attention had really been. 

“The tour,” Dan said, “the one we briefly talked about a while back, we could actually do it.”

“I mean, we could in theory,” Phil agreed, “but it’s a lot of work and I don't know if it would be such a good idea for this year. Maybe we could do it next year?”

“Of course it wouldn't be this year, you dingus,” Dan said with a snort, “we may be quick when working towards a deadline but even that would be a little bit too much don’t you think?”

“Next year then?” Phil asked before sighing to himself, “I still feel like it would be a little bit impossible.”

“Why?” Dan asked his eyebrows furrowing with confusion as he turned to give Phil his full attention.

Unfortunately, Phil wasn't expecting to be faced with such an intense gaze and he felt his mouth dry up almost instantly and he gaped like a fish out of water, his mouth moving frantically despite the fact that the words just wouldn't come. 

“You alright?” Dan asked, “you’re not having a stroke are you?”

“Dan,” Phil groaned, Dan’s words pulling him out of his mind, “we’ve discussed this before, you can’t say someone has had a stroke as a joke, you’re going to end up getting yourself into trouble.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Dan said, “it’s a force of habit by now, but in all seriousness; are you alright?”

“Yeah, of course I am, I just had a little mind blank there and couldn't think of what I was trying to say,” Phil said hoping that his excuse was reassuring. 

“So come on then, what’s holding you back?” Dan wondered, seeming to buy Phil’s excuse. 

“I don’t know, I can’t quite put my finger on it,” Phil lied. 

The truth was that he was completely ready to commit to the tour - he would get to spend even more time than usual in Dan’s presence which would mean that he could stare at that beautiful face with a good excuse - when he was watching Dan’s rehearsal of course. 

A tour also meant that neither of them would be planning to move out in the near future as that would cause them even more stress than necessary, especially during planning and rehearsals, it would just make sense for them to stick together throughout all the planning. 

A chance to ensure that Dan was his roommate for the next year at least and a chance to travel the world with him so that they could perform for as many of their viewers as possible, it seemed like a dream come true.

It would have been at least if not for the fact that Phil was trying to distance himself from Dan; he was trying to get over his feelings as fast as possible even if he wasn't having very much success. 

His mind was constantly running through possible solutions to his problem and he kept finding himself torn between his brain and his heart. 

His heart was screaming at him to just go for it - to grab Dan by the collar and pull him in close so that their lips would collide and Phil could confess all his feelings through that simple kiss - no words needed. His heart wanted him to shuffle slightly closer to Dan as they sat together on the sofa and poke his shoulder just so that he could whisper ‘do you believe in soulmates?’. His heart wanted to be able to walk up behind Dan while he was cooking so that Phil could curl his arms around his waist and rest his chin on his shoulder as he watched. 

His brain wouldn't allow that though; his brain knew that it was a bad idea to get his hopes up over a relationship that would most likely be doomed to fail spectacularly. He had all those images in his mind of the perfect relationship where he confessed his feelings to Dan and they were actually returned, but his brain knew better. His brain knew that there was a solid chance he could go through all the emotional stress and trauma of confessing his feelings to Dan only to be shot down in flames. 

In fact, he wasn't even sure that Dan was sexually attracted to him. They had both made varying comments throughout their years that alluded to them being attracted to people of the same gender but for Phil it was very complex. He wasn't always attracted to people, sometimes it would take him weeks or months to develop feelings for another person. Maybe there was something broken in him, maybe he was doomed to only grow feelings for his friends, but  _ maybe  _ Dan had a similar problem. 

No, he had always assumed that he felt that way because he was somehow dysfunctional. That natural attraction that people seemed to get for people that they had just met didn't apply to Phil. Maybe it was his own fault, maybe his mum had dropped him on his head as a baby. He wasn't sure, all he knew was that he took so long to develop feelings for someone that they would have moved on by the time he had caught up. 

It confused him, too much, maybe it would have been easier if he could talk to Dan about it but that would give him away in seconds. How could anyone explain that they only had feelings for people they considered friends after admitting that they had a crush on someone without that person realising?

Dan wasn't stupid, he was actually insanely clever and managed to make connections from barely any information and yet they were unbelievably accurate. 

It Phil admitted anything - Dan would know. 

He couldn't help but wonder whether that would really be so terrible. What if Dan knew the truth and felt the same way? What if Phil went through all the fear of telling Dan how he really felt only for Dan to admit that he felt the same way? It was an almost impossible thing to comprehend and he knew that the chances of it becoming true were slim to none, but the temptation was there.

Phil was a thinker - an overthinker some may say - he was a guy who spent more time chasing scenarios in his mind than in reality. He would work through situations that most people would never even consider possible and think through as many solutions to his problems as possible. 

It would make Dan laugh, especially when they would be sitting in a cafe somewhere and Phil would randomly perk up and ask what Dan would do if a car lost control and drove into the very place they were sitting. Dan was boring in those scenarios, he would shrug and mutter something like ‘I don't know, die maybe?’ and Phil would scoff and roll his eyes before walking him through various different ways that they could survive. 

Maybe it was weird, maybe it made him a freak, but he couldn't help his mind from doing it. 

Which is exactly why he had run through all the different ways that confessing his feelings could possibly work out and they ranged from ruining his life to creating an entirely new world where he and Dan were  _ happy together _ , where they were able to greet each other with a gentle kiss, where they could snuggle as they watched a movie, where they could go out on dates just for the sake of spending a little more time in each other’s company. 

God did Phil want that, he wanted it more than anything, but he couldn't have it.

“You’re doing that thing again,” Dan said with a laugh that made Phil’s lips curl on instinct. 

“Hm?”

“You know, that thing where you space out and get lost in your own thoughts,” Dan said, “you’ve been doing it a lot lately, what going on in that insane brain of yours?”

“Everything and nothing,” Phil said with a sigh, “do you ever feel like no matter how much you think things through, you’re just constantly going in circles with no end in sight?”

“Sometimes,” Dan admitted.

“Every single time I think I’ve come to a solution I can't help but to rethink everything,” Phil admitted, “I make my mind up and then my resolve just gives and I’m forced to start again and consider different possibilities.”

“I might not be as much of a disaster scenario imaginer as you are,” Dan said with a small snort, “but I think I can relate.” 

“You can?” Phil asked in surprise, “how?” 

“Uh, just because of things,” Dan said non committedly. 

“What things?”

“That’s not important,” Dan said quickly, “what matters is that I know what it’s like to constantly have to rethink your decisions and wonder whether you’re making the right decision.”

“You do?” Phil asked. 

“Of course I do, you of all people should know that,” Dan said, “you’ve lived with me for so long.”

“I guess sometimes, when you're struggling, you see the strength in others because you wish that you could be like them,” Phil murmured, “sometimes I forget how much you go through, you always seem to deal with it so well.”

“Unless I’m having a really bad day,” Dan agreed. 

“Yeah, but they’re getting fewer and further between,” Phil said, “you’ve been doing great lately.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, “but enough about me, all this zoning out that you’ve been doing, will you tell me if it gets too much?”

“Yeah,” Phil lied, “you know I wouldn't keep something that important from you.”

“Thanks, Phil, and about the tour,” Dan said, “we can put that thought on hold, we never have to do it if you don't feel comfortable.”

“It’s not that,” Phil said quickly, “the tour sounds amazing, but I just-” he sighed, running a hand through his hair, tugging on it harshly for a brief moment, “- oh I don't even know.”

It was true, he didn't know what to say or do. He could barely  make sense of his own mind half the time. 

“That’s alright,” Dan said gently, “you don't  _ have  _ to know, you’re allowed to be unsure and confused, we can't be confident in our decisions all the time.”

That made a genuine smile of relief appear on Phil’s face, Dan was right, he didn't have to be sure of himself. He just had to be sure of Dan, so what if he gave up on his decision to try and get over his friend, and instead put some effort into trying to get Dan to fall for him? 

Could he make Dan fall in love? Maybe he was losing his mind, but he was willing to try. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay <3 hmu on tumblr @amczingphil
> 
> thank you for all the support, it means the world to me <333


	5. five

Phil couldn't believe it when Dan actually agreed to join him and his family on their annual holiday to Florida. After countless conversations and borderline arguments about it leading up to their holiday, Phil had been almost one hundred percent sure that there was no chance of him joining. He had been disappointed but he accepted that maybe the holiday was too much for Dan. Maybe it even gave him an inkling that Phil had feelings for him. 

Dan’s refusal had mainly been based on his concern with what their viewers and families would think and it made Phil want to scream. He didn't care what they would think, in fact a small, selfish part of him hoped that they would just assume that the two of them were in a relationship. There was nothing wrong with that and at least it could fuel Phil's fantasies a little. How he would like to hear the whispers of his family members asking each other behind their hands about the real nature of their relationship. 

"I can't, our viewers will make too many assumptions," Dan had complained one evening, barely a week before they had set off for Florida, "it'll be too hard to explain to everyone."

"Then don't explain it," Phil had murmured, "we may post our lives online, but we still have the right to privacy, we can keep this one between us you know?"

"I know, I know," Dan mumbled and Phil could hear that there was something that he wasn’t mentioning in his abrupt silence. 

"What is it?" Phil asked quietly. 

"I just-" Dan faltered and Phil felt his heart shatter into a million pieces at the way that he seemed to struggle to get his words out. They had always been able to tell each other everything so why was it any different now? Why was Dan keeping something from him?

"You just what?" Phil prompted quietly. 

"I just don't know if it would be a good idea," Dan admitted. 

A good idea? Of course it wasn’t a good idea, it was a great idea. The possibility of taking Dan along on his family's holiday and sharing that part of his life with him was everything that Phil had dreamed of and more. He wanted it so badly, more than he could say, and it killed him because he had to act nonchalant about it so that he didn't reveal how hard he had fallen for his best friend. 

His plan to try and make Dan fall in love with him wasn't panning out so well. Every time he would make a move to show his feelings in the slightest, he would inadvertently backpedal and try to pretend that it was nothing, that he was joking around. It hurt but he just kept second guessing himself and wondering if he could really do that to Dan. Could he put Dan through that? Could Phil make Dan live with the knowledge that Phil was in love with him? Could Phil admit everything  and know that there was a high chance that Dan didn't reciprocate those feelings. 

"It would be a pretty damn good idea," Phil muttered against his gut instinct. 

"I can't-" Dan mumbled.

"I understand," Phil said dejectedly. 

"No," Dan said quickly, "you don’t, but I can't really explain it right now."

"That's alright," Phil said trying to mask his disappointment with the entire situation, he couldn't let Dan see how much he had wanted to take him to Florida and show him off to his family. 

Dan had met Phil's family before, of course, they couldn't have spent so much of their lives together without their families having to come together at some point, but now things had changed - now it felt different and Phil felt as though he had to introduce Dan to his family all over again. 

Maybe he was trying to pave the way for a potential relationship, but he needed to calm down. His mind was constantly jumping between asking Dan to just freaking marry him and admitting to himself that there was no chance of anything happening and that he should cut his losses and move on. Maybe he could download tinder and try to flirt with other people, maybe that would make it easier for him to just move on - except there was always the chance that a viewer of theirs could see his profile and post it online. 

"Look, Phil, I promise it's not that I don't want to go, it's just that I-" Dan sighed and Phil watched as he ran a hand through his hair - tugging on the ends in frustration - he did that a lot when he was trying to say something that he was struggling with. 

There was a distinct pain in Phil's chest when he saw Dan doing that - he just wanted to scream and tell him that it was ok, he didn't have to force the words out, if he wanted to keep things to himself then he had every right to do so just so long as those things he was keeping hidden weren't hurting him.  Phil hated the thought that that was happening. 

"It's alright, you don't need to say anything more," Phil said softly.

"No I do," Dan insisted, "because I know how this is sounding and I'm coming across as though I don't want to spend time with you and I do, trust me I want that so fucking much but there's something stopping me."

"What?"

"Nothing," Dan said shaking his head, "forget I said anything."

"I can't do that."

"Ugh, fine," Dan muttered, "then, please, just accept that I can’t come but it's no ones fault. Besides, I think your family will be relieved to not have me there."

"Are you kidding?" Phil asked, "my family adore you, I swear that sometimes they prefer you to me, if they could they would take you instead of me."

"That's not true," Dan said surely shaking his head at Phil's dramatics, "your family loves you and they would be gutted if you couldn't go on holiday with them, I'm no replacement for their son."

"Fine, but think about it this way, Cornelia goes on holiday and my family love her too, they would never turn her away, so why would they turn you away?"

"That's different."

"How so?"

"Well for one, Cornelia and Martyn are dating," Dan muttered, "and another thing, she is easier to get along with than I am."

"Rubbish," Phil scoffed, "you're the easiest person in the world to get along with."

"Maybe to you, but we've lived together for years, of course we would get along easily with each other."

"We got along from the beginning," Phil said with a shrug. 

"Yeah, yeah we did that."

"Just consider it?" Phil asked. 

"Consider what?" 

"The holiday!"

"Phil," Dan whined - elongating the vowel, "I've given you my answer."

"No, you've given me an impulse answer, I want you to take the next week and really think about it, please," Phil said ignoring the fact that it hadn’t even been an impulse decision, they’d been discussing it for weeks. 

Dan had agreed dubiously and Phil had been sure that that was the end of it, Dan would pretend to consider joining them for the sake of it but in reality he would stick by his decision to fly home straight after playlist. Dan was a stubborn guy and once his mind was made up that was usually it, he would be difficult to sway from it. 

So it had come as a complete surprise to Phil when Dan had announced that he would join the holiday only a few days before they had actually set off for America. The panic and joy that had ensued after Dan's agreement would stay with Phil forever. Phil was overjoyed that Dan was coming with his family but he had also only left Phil a few days to plan everything and to tell his family that Dan would in fact be joining them. If Phil wasn't head over heels in love with Dan he would have throttled him. 

And so that was how Phil found himself sitting beside Dan on their way to America for Playlist Live which would be followed by a nice, relaxing holiday for the two of them. 

Dan had fallen asleep only a few hours into the flight leaving Dan with no one to play 'I spy' with or the naming game, he was bored and he had nothing to do except for not so subtly watch Dan as he slept. Creepy as it may be, he felt a strange kin to Edward Cullen, at least he hadn't sneaked his way into Dan's bedroom through the night to watch him sleep. 

He shook his head to clear it, Dan always laughed and told him that he loved the way his brain worked but he wasn't there for the weird thought trains that would stop Phil in his tracks and make him wonder why his mind had even gone there. 

Instead he let his eyes linger on Dan - he looked a bit too pale which was worrying but Phil told himself that it was most likely because they had woken up at four in the morning to go to the airport and he had heard Dan pacing around his room at one in the morning - the noise had briefly woke Phil but he had let the sleepy haze consume him once more, so Dan had obviously had less than three hours of sleep. 

It was evident by the way that light snores escaped through Dan's lips - they had a pact to waken one another if they were snoring too loudly in public but fortunately for Dan he was being very quiet and Phil had no intentions of waking him when he so obviously needed the the rest. 

Dark lashes lay gently against pale, freckled cheeks and Phil was strangely tempted to take advantage of his lack of consciousness to put chapstick on Dan's lips. Maybe he would have if he'd actually had chapstick on him. 

One thing that bugged Phil about Dan was how his hair always seemed to look perfect, no matter whether he had spent minutes on it or hours, it always looked so good and it caused him pain because firstly it wasn't fair and secondly it made him want to run his hands through it. 

Dan shuffled in his sleep as though he was aware of Phil's gaze and Phil had never looked away from someone so fast, he turned to stare out the window as though he found the clouds to be the most fascinating thing since sliced bread.    
  
"We nearly there?" Dan's voice was low and heavy with sleep and Phil wished that it could be the first thing that he would hear every morning.    
  
"Nope, you haven't been asleep very long," Phil said, "we've still got a while to go."   
  
"Oh," Dan muttered as he stretched in the chair and turned in it so that he was facing Phil, "are there any good movies on this flight?"   
  
"I haven't checked yet," Phil admitted.    
  
"No? What have you been doing then?" Dan asked.   
  
"Uh, admiring the view?"   
  
"Never took you as a cloud gazer," Dan murmured, "but to each their own."   
  
"Yeah," Phil said quietly, "are you sure you don't want to sleep more?"   
  
"Nope, I'm fine,"    
  
"If you say so," Phil said carefully, giving Dan a chance to change his mind.    
  
"I'm sure," Dan said, "now come on, I want a sad movie, I want something that will tear out my heart and rip it to shreds, I want pain."   
  
"You're a masochist," Phil said.    
  
"Trust me," Dan said with a bitter laugh, "I am well aware of that."   
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Phil asked.    
  
"It doesn't matter," Dan said, "forget I said anything."   
  
"Remember how you said that I've been zoning out a lot lately?" Phil asked, "well, you've been doing this thing where you start talking about something and hint that it's really important or worrying you, and then you just stop. You make out that it's nothing important and that you shouldn't have mentioned it and it worries me."   
  
"Yeah well, your constant zoning out worries me too." Dan said in retaliation sounding like a petty child who had just been told he couldn't have any sweets.    
  
"We're going to be at a stalemate here aren't we?" Phil asked.    
  
"Of course we are," Dan said with a snort.    
  
The problem was that they were both keeping a pretty big secret from each other and there was no way that either of them were going to admit to what was bothering them.    
  
"Does it ever worry you that we don't talk like we used to?" Dan asked.   
  
"We talk," Phil said softly.   
  
"I know, but I meant that we keep things secret now too," Dan said, "we both have our guilty secrets and once upon a time we would have admitted everything to each other."   
  
"Do you want to spill your secret?" Phil asked    
  
"Oh fuck no," Dan said quickly, "I was just thinking that it's strange."   
  
"I think we're just dealing with things," Phil said, "and besides, you know what's bothering me at the moment."   
  
"Yeah but I feel like there's more to it than that, I think there's still something more that's bothering you," Dan admitted.    
  
"No, there's not," Phil lied, "I'm just letting these feelings get to me too much."   
  
"Are you sure?" Dan asked.   
  
"I'm sure," Phil said, "there's nothing else wrong."   
  
"Well now that makes me feel like the biggest asshole in the world for keeping a secret from you."   
  
"No, Dan, don't," Phil said quickly, "we're all allowed our own secrets, there's nothing wrong with that."   
  
"Really?" Dan asked.   
  
"Of course," Phil said, "what's going on in that mind to make you think that I would ever judge you?2   
  
"A shit ton of shit."   
  
"Eloquent," Phil said with a smirk.    
  
They both had their own rubbish going on in their lives and sure it made Phil's entire being bristle with stress as he tried to pick apart Dan's mood and feelings, he needed to calm down and accept that there wasn't always a clear answer to his questions and no matter how much he wanted to know every little thing that ran through Dan's mind, there was nothing that he could do. He just had to accept that when Dan needed help he would ask for it.    
  
He had before, and he had promised that he would again. There was nothing he could do.    
  
"Hey, Phil?" Dan asked after a few moments of silence.    
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"Can we put this to the back of our minds?"   
  
"What do you mean?" Phil asked.    
  
"This whole secret business," Dan elaborated, "we're going to Playlist and then we're going to have a peaceful holiday and I want to enjoy it, I don't want this to be constantly sitting on our shoulders weighing us down."   
  
"We forget about our problems?"   
  
"Ignore them," Dan said with a cheeky wink, "it's what I'm best at."   
  
"Ignoring your problems," Phil murmured, "I'm pretty sure every therapist in the UK just simultaneously screamed."   
  
"It's only a couple of weeks," Dan said with a shrug, "what harm can it do?"   
  
"Now the therapists are crying, this is going to be on the news you know? Mass therapist hysteria of unknown origin."    
  
"Shut up," Dan said with a laugh and Phil silently congratulated himself on making him smile.    
  
Phil wasn't sure if he would be able to contain his feelings for a couple of weeks but he would try his best, even if it was just so that he could enjoy his holiday and maybe Dan would return his feelings at some point. 

He could only hope.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like!! fun fact: i forgot that they went on holiday after moving so this fic is gonna be a little longer oops heck 
> 
> find me on tumblr @amczingphil and thank you guys for your support and kind comments : )


	6. six

"I want the sweet old lady," Dan said in a tone that implied that no arguments were going to be accepted.

"That's not fair," Phil said with a distinctive whine in his voice, "I want the sweet old lady, I don’t want to speak to the mean guy, he looks like he would eat me for dinner."

"That's not true," Dan said, but Phil could see the way that his eyes widened ever so slightly as he looked at the bald headed guy, Phil  was great at detecting Dan's most minute of expressions, he had enough experience with it, "he's probably lovely."

"You can't even lie convincingly," Phil said raising an eyebrow at Dan as he challenged him.

"Sure I can," Dan said, "and you'll see that I'm right when you go and speak to him and you find out that he is a genuinely nice guy."

"Or you can go find out, and I'll go to see the lady who looks like she knits sweaters for homeless cats."

"Barry over there makes soup for homeless children," Dan said.

"Barry?"

"Yeah, he looks like a guy called Barry from a soap that my mum watches," Dan admitted, "so I figured giving him a name would ease your nerves and you could go and speak to him without worrying about how much of a bouncer he is."

"See," Phil said quickly, "even you believe that he looks like a bouncer"

"I mean, yeah," Dan muttered, "I would have to be pretty blind not to get that vibe."

"Rock, Paper, Scissors?" Phil asked.

"No way, there's no chance that I'm caving in on this one," Dan said, "I want Granny Dot over there."

"Granny Dot?" Phil asked, "another soap character?"

"Nah, she just looks like a Granny Dot, don't you think?"

"What does a Granny Dot even look like?" Phil asked.

"It's not a look, it's an aura," Dan said with a sniff, “not just anyone can be a Granny Dot."

"What about a woman named Dot whose kids have kids?"

"I hate you," Dan mumbled, "but it doesn't matter because you won't beat me on this one, I'm going to Granny Dot."

"Fine, I’ll give you this one, but if I get kicked out of America and sent back home, you'll have to do our Playlist show yourself,” Phil threatened. He felt slightly guilty for pulling that card because he knew how anxious Dan got before going on stage alone. 

"Uh huh," Dan muttered rolling his eyes, "like that would happen, it'll be fine, trust me."

So Phil let Dan have his own way, of course. At the end of the day he couldn’t deny Dan anything, he was constantly bowing down and giving in to him, all Dan had to do was look at Phil a certain way and he found himself to be hypnotised by those enticingly perfect eyes and there was nothing he could do to stay strong.

Dan was beautiful - despite his lack of confidence - and he was able to figuratively bring Dan to his knees in many ways, he was just lucky that Dan didn’t realise how much power he had, otherwise Phil would have been well and truly screwed. There would have been no recovering from that. If Dan knew that he just had to look up at Phil from beneath his eyelashes and that would be enough to make Phil's knees turn weak and his brain turn to mush then there would be no end to Dan's power.

"Hey," Phil muttered awkwardly to the bouncer that was there to check over his passport and visa.

He was travelling on a working Visa because of playlist live but he was hopeful that if he just explained that he was staying for a holiday and then returning home afterwards, the guy would be pretty decent about it and there wouldn't be any problems. He had heard that it was the best thing to do and that most people didn't have any issues doing it that way.

"Documents?" the bouncer asked.

"Here," Phil said as he scrambled to clumsily place everything on the desk for the guy to look over.

"Alright, everything seems to be in order," he said, "how long are you staying?”

"About two weeks, my family are flying out for a holiday and I was going to join them before going home," Phil said, he hated trying to explain that sort of thing to people in power because he was forced to speak to them formally and it just didn't feel natural for him at all.

"Alright, that shouldn't be an issue," the bouncer said with a kind smile that took the edge off of Phil's nerves.

"Great,"

"And the nature of your work?"

"Oh, I'm here as entertainment I guess?" Phil said unsure as to how he should try to explain youtube, he was pretty sure that if he said he was an online video maker the he would be on the first plane back to england.

"Entertainment?"

"Well, it’s a convention," Phil said awkwardly, "a youtube convention, youtube is this thing that-"

"I know what that is."

"You do?" Phil asked. 

"Of course,” the guy said, “I have a teenage daughter and she is obsessed with that site, always watching these youtubers and telling me that she wants to quit school and become one."

"Oh,"

"Yeah I told her that she'll be lucky, but you know what teenagers are like, once they have an idea in their head anything I say will just be me being unsupportive."

"Oh, I wouldn't really know but I would say to recommend her to be careful, there's not as much money in youtube as people seem to believe and it's a difficult thing to make a name for yourself on."

"It is?"

"Oh yeah, in recent years it has become extremely popular which means that there's always more and more people trying to make a thing out of it and a lot of them are in it for the wrong reasons."

"Money?"

"Pretty much, that and popularity, and when they realise it's not as easy as they think, they grow bitter and end up leaving with nothing but bad memories."

"I feel like you should come and speak to her maybe she would listen to someone with experience," the guy said shaking his head in exasperation, "how do you manage to make yourself stay relevant."

"It's not just me, I do a lot of videos with my friend and we have a gaming channel together as well, people like our chemistry and we have a very dedicated fan base which is pretty great."

"I don't know if she’s ever watched you guys but I would guess so,” he said peering closely at Phil’s face as though it would spark some recognition. 

"You never know,” Phil murmured, uncomfortable with the staring. 

"Phil lester? I'll be sure to mention your name to her and we'll see how much she flips her shit,” the guy said with a laugh. 

And so Phil managed to drift through customs without any issues and there was nothing wrong with him staying in america a little longer than he had initially intended. The guy had actually understood what his job was which had been an added bonus, even if Phil had gotten a few strange looks when the guy had asked him to sign something for his daughter just in case she was a fan.

Phil could see Dan talking to the sweet old lady; he looked stressed, in fact he looked more than stressed, even from a distance Phil could see that he was visibly panicking and sweating. What was happening to make him look such a mess?

Finally a shaky, pale looking Dan wandered over to where Phil was patiently waiting.

"She wouldn’t let me stay,” Dan said as soon as he made it to Phil’s side.

"What?"

"She said that I couldn't stay, I have to take a day trip to the Bahamas after Playlist just to be able to join the holiday,” Dan said, elaborating on his confusing statement.

"You're going to the Bahamas?" Phil asked

"Looks like it," Dan murmured, "I should probably look up flights."

"Wait, slow down a second," Phil said as he shook his head a little to clear the confusing muddle of thoughts that were clouding him, "you're going to the  _ Bahamas? _ "

"Yeah, I'm only allowed to stay here on my working visa while i'm actually working, so I have to leave and them return on a holiday one." Dan explained slowly as though Phil was dense for not immediately understanding what he meant.

"I can't believe that," Phil muttered, "my guy let me stay?"

"Wait, what?" Dan asked, "Barry let you stay?"

"Yeah, his daughter watches youtube so he was pretty clued up on my job."

"No way, is this karma kicking my ass for trying to chose the easiest person to go to?" Dan wondered aloud, and something about the way he said it told Phil that it wasn’t a question that Dan wanted an answer to, "I can't believe that Barry is letting you stay and I have to fly to the fucking Bahamas."

"I mean at least you'll get some sun?"

"Phil we're in fucking Florida, all I'm going to get while I'm here is sun." Dan grumbled

"A holiday within a holiday?" Phil offered as a way to hopefully cheer Dan up, "do you want me to come with you?"

"Come with me?" Dan asked as though the offer didn’t make any sense.

"Yeah, to the bahamas?" Phil elabotated, "I wouldn't mind you know."

"I know, but really it's fine," Dan said, "your visa was fine and it only takes a few hours so you might as well save your money and I can just go and come back."

"Are you sure?" Phil asked.

"Of course I am," Dan said "there isn't much to do and I'll just be waiting in the airport for my flight back here, so you can stay and spend time with our friends. trust me it'll be alright."

"If you say so, but if you change your mind i will be more than happy to join you."

"I know," Dan said with an easy grin, "but I would be happier if I wasn't disrupting your holiday."

"Dan," Phil whined, "how many times do I have to tell you that you aren't disrupting anything.?"

"I know, I know, I can't help it though," Dan said, “I know you want to help but this is my brain’s issue.”

"Come on, let's go try to find our hotel,"  Phil said changing the subject.

Phil couldn’t help but wish that Dan had said yes,  he wanted to support him as much as he could and if that meant that he had to fly to the Bahamas just so that he could be there for him, then so be it, he would have done it in a heartbeat, there was no doubt in his mind about that.

Another part of him, a smaller part, was happy that Dan was willing to fly all the way to the Bahamas and then back again just so that he could spend a holiday with Phil and his family. Surely that meant that Phil had at least a small chance of his feelings being reciprocated by Dan, after all not everyone was willing to do such a thing for a holiday with a friend's family, right?

Surely, it would have been slightly easier for Dan to just say that he would go back to the UK after their convention.

"You’re lost in your thoughts again," Dan teased, "I'm beginning to think that it's something I said."

Oh how right he was, but not in the context that he thought. Everything that Dan said held a power to manage to send Dan's thoughts spralling into dreams about what could be. All Phil had to say was 'good morning' and Dan would dream about how much he would have liked to hear him say that after waking up in the same bed as him.

It was a stupid thought, he knew it was, but his mind would return to it relentlessly as he tried to imagine it in as much detail as his mind could conjure.

"I know, don't worry though," Phil reassured, "they're good thoughts."

"Right,”

The journey to the hotel was thankfully uneventful, Dan fell asleep in the taxi - or as the cab as the americans liked to call it - as usual. His breath coming out in soft snores that Phil would never tell Dan about, even if they were adorable. 

They had made it, they were on their holiday and they would spend time with their viewers and friends before meeting up with the rest of the Lester Clan and spending a few weeks relaxing. They were long overdue a chance to relax in Phil's opinion and the family holiday presented the perfect opportunity to do so.

Martyn and Cornelia would be at Playlist of course, Martyn was well with his job in managing various Youtubers' merch stores and he was great at being there in person to sell things, he liked to be there to make sure that everything ran smoothly. 

As the taxi took them closer to their hotel, Phil couldn't help but feel as though everything was slotting into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come hmu @amczingphil on tumblr <333
> 
> hope you likey <3


	7. seven

“What does that mean?” Phil could hear the borderline irate tone in Dan’s voice, it was subtle enough that the man he was speaking to wouldn’t be able to detect it but Phil knew him well enough to be able to detect it no matter how discreet Dan was trying to be. 

Phil was standing off to the side with their multiple suitcases while Dan went to pick up the key cards to the rooms that the Playlist organisers had been kind enough to book for them, although judging by his body language, there were some obvious problems and Phil wasn’t entirely sure that there  _ were  _ rooms for them to stay in. 

“We don’t want five nights for free here, we have plans already for the days after our stay,” Dan said, “I just want to know what exactly you mean by ‘there’s been some issues’.”

The man behind the desk’s reply was too low for Phil to be able to hear it, but whatever he was saying had to be an improvement because Dan's shoulders visibly slumped in a resigned acceptance.

"Alright then," Dan said slightly quieter, Phil hadn't even realised that he had stepped forward to hear better, "thank you."

As soon as Dan turned to walk back over to him, he quickly looked away, hoping that it wasn't obvious that he had been staring at the figure of his friend and the endearing way that his hair had been messed up from the flight. 

"I have good news and bad news," Dan declared dramatically as soon as he made it back to Phil, "the good news is that we have a room."

"Right," Phil said slowly, the way Dan had said 'a room' seemed too suspicious not to take into account.

"We're sharing though, they overbooked the hotel and can't give us a room each," Dan said.

The thought that filtered into Phil's mind was too tempting to discard of straight away, even though there was every chance he was interpreting the situation wrong, he couldn't help but imagine that they were going to be forced to share a bed.

It wasn't like they had never done that before, sharing a bed was something that they had done a  _ lot  _ in 2009 when Dan had travelled miles to meet Phil. Of course at the time Dan had been very innocent and didn't think anything of sharing a bed, and Phil had been too conscious of that to ever try to initiate something more than friendship.

Dan had never even considered the possibility that anything could have happened between them and that in itself was like a kick to the gut. 

Maybe if things had been slightly different back then there wouldn't be any confusion on Phil’s behalf. Maybe Phil would have been booking them a double bed to share instead, but there was nothing guaranteeing any of his feelings would have been returned back then, so instead Phil had cemented their friendship and forced himself to accept that there was nothing that could happen between them.

Which had been fine at the time, in fact it had been somewhat of a relief, neither of them were in any state to get into a committed relationship which meant that if they did it would have ended in a complete disaster.

Times changed, and what had once been acceptable to Phil had soon changed. It only took the realisation that he was in love with his friend to make him realise that he wasn't happy with mere friendship. He wanted  _ more.  _

"What's going on in that mind of yours?" Dan asked quietly, the question had become a staple in their friendship over the past few weeks. 

"Oh, nothing much," Phil lied, he was getting better at lying to Dan and he wasn’t sure whether that was something to be proud of, "I was just thinking about how hard it would have been to try and find somewhere else to stay if they had overbooked to the point where they couldn't give us a room at all."

"I wouldn't want to even imagine how that would go," Dan said, "most of the decent places will definitely be booked up for Playlist by now, which means we'd be forced to go for a really scabby hotel or a really expensive one."

"Treat yourself?" Phil asked wiggling his eyebrows in a suggestive way that he hoped would make Dan laugh. 

"You really need to get out of this habit of yours," Dan said with an amused snort. 

"Which one?" Phil asked, there were a few bad habits that he had and he couldn't help but run through them all in his mind as he tried to figure out which one Dan was referring to.

"The one where you see something on the internet and just randomly repeat it," Dan said, "at least that one wasn't as bad as the time you told your mum something was 'thicc'."

"It was lucky that she had no idea what I was saying," Phil said, "I didn't even realise until I had said it."

"Exactly why you shouldn't repeat things."

"You make references all the time," Phil said and even he could hear the petty whine layering the words, "I should be allowed to too."

"Of course," Dan said as he grabbed a few bags, "I for one, can't wait to see you being led away in handcuffs. It'll really make my day to see you get arrested because you repeated the wrong thing."

"Hey," Phil yelped as he fumbled with the remainder of the bags and made to follow Dan's retreating figure, "Dan, wait up, I don't know where the room is."

"Neither do I," Dan called back, he barely broke his stride but he slowed enough so that Phil could catch up.

"You don't know either?" Phil asked once he was in his place at Dan's side.

"No, but I have this," Dan said waving their keycard in the air, "and this has a number on it so all we have to do is match it to a door."

"What number are we?" Phil asked, trying to catch a glimpse of the key card that Dan was cleverly trying to hide.

"That is for me to know and you to find out when we make it to the room," Dan said.

"That's evasive," Phil commented, he was was growing increasingly more suspicious as they walked.

"You have a bizarre need to know everything," Dan said.

"Excuse me?" Phil muttered, "I am not the only one who likes to know things, you may stay out of drama that you see online but you always have to know every inch of it."

"It's interesting," Dan said.

"It's interesting?" Phil asked, "Dan you hate drama."

"I'm a conflicted individual," Dan agreed.

"You're also great at being evasive," Phil said, "now come on, tell me what room we're in."

"Four fifty," Dan mumbled.

"I'm sorry," Phil said, "for a moment there I was pretty sure that you meant that we're going to have to search over four hundred rooms to find ours."

"I guess that's pretty much what I was saying," Dan said, “unless we find ours early.”

"Why didn't you ask for directions?" Phil asked with a groan.

"It was too awkward," Dan said, "there was a lot happening in that conversation and I didn't want to prolong it."

Phil snorted, "yeah, can't have two more minutes of awkward conversation to prevent us from wandering around for twelve hours."

"Don't you think twelve hours is a slight over exaggeration?"

"Yeah, ten hours is much more accurate," Phil agreed with sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"You act like we're lost in the catacombs, it's a hotel, we'll find our room," Dan said.

"Famous last words," Phil mumbled.

In another world Phil would have reached out and taken Dan's hand while they walked, he would have made jokes about their relationship and jokingly told Dan that his inability to ask for directions would be the reason for their break up because they’d wander separate ways and never find their way back again. 

Of course there wouldn't be a single ounce of truth in that statement, just the thought of breaking up with Dan sent a myriad of painful emotions coursing through Phil in a bizarre way that he couldn't even explain because he wasn't even dating him.

How messed up was it for him to be scared of losing someone that he wasn't even dating yet?

_ Yet. _

Yet implied that he actually stood a chance, was that presumptuous of him? Maybe, but he was hoping more and more every day that he would someday be able to just take Dan's hand without having to think about it.

Phil was jealous of people in relationships, they took what they had for granted so often. They would think nothing of reaching out and grabbing their partner's hand or gently stroking their fingers along their cheek, they didn't even have to think twice about brushing their partner's hair out of their eyes.

It wasn't fair. Phil could have all of that if he just admitted his feelings, but that was completely dependent on Dan returning his feelings. So far the plan to get Dan to fall in love with him was not going very well but that may have had more to do with the fact that Phil really had no idea how exactly to make someone fall in love with him.

How was a person supposed to make themselves something that was attractive to their best friend?

Sure Phil knew Dan's type - it was literally anyone who was deemed conventionally attractive, but Phil wasn't conventionally attractive. Phil had a beaked nose, his hair was stuck in 2009, he had wide hips, he was soft. There wasn't a six pack in sight, not even a four pack if was being honest.

But Dan was more. Dan was soft cheeks and a sharp jawline, he was dimples showing his joy, he was curly hair that fell forward in his face when he looked down at his phone, he was full bodied laughter that inadvertently drew a smile to Phil's face no matter how he was feeling.

How could Phil compete with that? How could he be enough for Dan when Dan was practically walking through the universe and Phil was stuck on Earth with no way of reaching him.

"Come on Mr Glum," Dan said elbowing him in the side, "we're not all that lost. There's a sign right there telling us where to go."

"Thank god, I didn't want to be completely lost forever," Phil said, "we would have missed Playlist and they would have had to send out a search party to find us."

"That would have been embarrassing," Dan agreed with a mock seriousness, "imagine being known as the guys who needed a search party for getting lost in a hotel."

"To be honest, if anyone needed that I can imagine that it would be us." Phil said seriously, "we aren't exactly known for our sense of direction."

"That's true, remember during tatinof when we offered to read the map and we ended up costing ourselves forty quid in petrol because we got so lost that we were practically on the other side of the UK?"

"Yeahm" Phil said with a snort, "it's just a good thing that that happened on one of the days where we didn't have a show that evening."

"Even if we did miss a night sleeping in an actual bed," Dan said, "sleeping in that car was not comfortable in the slightest."

"True, although," Phil said with a pause as he thought back to the hotel that they had passed up on for that night, "we didn't really miss out on much."

"What do you mean? That was an exciting hotel to stay in," Dan argued.

"No it wasn't," Phil said, "there were four little lamps and only two of them were working, there was a piece of wood under the bed that seemingly came from nowhere and the window wouldn't close."

"That piece of wood was a stake, Phil, and the window was left open because there was a vampire living nearby who liked to suck unsuspecting guests' blood." Dan corrected him.

"Well too bad for the vampire, because you broke the window and made it so that it wouldn't open at all," Phil said.

"Well, at least we weren't mugged in our sleep," Dan said with a shrug, "besides does it really count as mugging if you're indoors?"

"Well, mugging is robbing someone in a public place and depending on your view a B&B could come under the basis of being a public place."

"Now that's the real mystery here; what classifies as a public place for a person to be mugged in?" Dan asked.

"I'm not getting into this one with you, no way," Phil said.

"Why not?"

"Because you always take things too far," Phil said, "before I know it we'll be debating the phonetics and origins of the words and I don't want that."

"Buzzkill," Dan mumbled, "but you're in luck because we're here."

Dan waved the key card in front of Phil's face, so close that he could feel the air brush against his face. He made a move to grab it but Dan was faster and already had it jammed in the slot in the door before Phil’s hand could even clasp at nothing.

The room was not what Phil had been expecting at all.

"Are those children's beds?" Dan asked quietly as though he was afraid of the answer.

"They certainly look very small," Phil agreed.

"Why would they have a kids room?" Dan wondered, "surely no parent would trust two kids alone in a hotel room."

"Well, I'm assuming that the door that has a padlock on it on that wall there,” Phil said indicating to said door with his head, “leads to a bigger room that would in theory belong to the parents of the children." 

"We're in a kid's room." Dan stated looking very shocked.

"We are," Phil agreed, "at least it's only for a couple of nights?"

Phil was aware that he didn't sound very reassuring as his statement came out as a question but that wasn't going to stop him from trying to make the light of a bad situation.

Dan flopped himself down on one of the undersized beds and Phil couldn't help but snort at the way his feet stuck out over the bottom a significant amount.

"You'll be just as bad," Dan said, "there's no point snickering at me."

"Yeah but it's funny watching you," Phil said with a shrug before he glanced around, "not going to lie, it looks like my grandma designed this room."

"Your grandma is dead," Dan muttered.

"Exactly. No person alive on Earth would choose a colour scheme this ugly."

"Green, orange and mauve?" Dan murmured, "I think it looks amazing."

"Your sarcasm is unbecoming."

"Good thing I don't really care," Dan said.

Phil ignored him and dumped his suitcase on the appalling bedspread, the dull thud it made was not a promising sign that the bed would be comfortable.

"What are you thinking?" Dan asked after a short moment of silence.

"Nothing much," Phil lied, he couldn't really admit that he was wishing that the screw up had not been that they were given a children's room, but that they were actually given a couple's room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for sticking with me even though it;s been a little while <3 you guys are the best!! <3 come find me on tumblr @amczingphil


	8. eight

The first of the two on stage events that Dan and Phil had been scheduled to take part in was over before they had even had a chance to process that they were on a stage in front of thousands of people.

Phil hated going on stage; he hated the inability to edit and change things that he had said, it was part of the reason that he was so nervous about doing live shows. In fact, he was slowly trying to weed them out. If he did fewer and fewer shows, missed one here and there, then people would begin to expect them less and less which would allow him to eventually stop doing them. Less live shows meant less potential for embarrassing situations. 

Live  _ events  _ though were a completely different matter; they were in front of an entire audience that would most likely remember his every word and even if they didn’t a significant proportion of them would be filming it on their phones. There was nothing that he could do to stop things from going out of control if it was going to.

If one of their viewers decided to shout out a question about his and Dan's relationship he wasn't sure that he would be able to micromanage his words and expressions enough to fool them into believing that they were just friends. He would try, and then he would be found out in moments because their viewers were very good at picking apart the way that they interacted around each other.

Even just the slightest look was enough for them to fly off the handle with all their theories about how in love they were. They were half right; Phil was in love with Dan but the problem was that Dan wasn't in love with Phil. What would they do if they knew that; if they saw the way that Phil looked at Dan as though he had single handedly hung every star in the night sky? 

Phil wasn't an idiot - despite popular belief - he did see the posts about 'heart eyes Howell' that always seemed to trend on tumblr, but what people didn't realise was that it was just the way that Dan looked at people. The soft look on his face, the gentle way that his lips curved, how he would stare for a few moments before sheepishly glancing down so that his eyelashes would brush against his cheeks for a split second before he looked up through them in a way that would send Phil's stomach swooping and spinning in an almost nauseating fashion. 

It was just how Dan had looked at him since they had met, there wasn't anything that was new about it, it was just how he was, there was nothing that anyone could do about it. People could over analyse it as much as they wanted but there was nothing new there or anything really worth analysing.

It sucked. Phil wished that he was able to believe in their future the way that their viewers did but it just wasn't possible. Even though he was working on trying to make Dan see him as more than a friend he couldn’t get his hopes up, because he couldn’t bear to lose something that he hadn’t even gained. Dan’s love. 

"You did great up there," Dan murmured quietly from beneath the damp rag that he had placed over his face, his voice muffled and sleepy but Phil had experience in deciphering Dan’s words so it wasn’t a challenge for him to understand what was being said.

It was something that Dan had started doing after all of their tatinof performances; putting a cold cloth over his face. He said it was a good way to cool down and block out the world for a few moments while he reflected on everything that they had been through.

"You did too," Phil said quietly as he watched the way that the cloth moved ever so slightly as Dan breathed. 

"It was fun," Dan said, "I know that it's hard for you to go up there but really, you did a good job."

Phil felt a warmth spread through his stomach as he listened to Dan speak, somehow he always knew what to say; it was a talent that Phil wished that he had too. Dan could just turn on the camera and say everything that he needed to without worrying overly about it until after the fact.

"It gets a little easier," Phil admitted, "every time that I go on stage, I start to feel more relaxed earlier on each time and sometimes I even begin to enjoy being up there before it's over."

"That's progress," Dan said, "there will come a day where you might even be excited for the opportunity to go on stage."

"I doubt that one," Phil said with a laugh as he made his way silently over to were Dan was lying unaware.

Very carefully he lifted the cloth off his face, grinning as Dan winced at the brightness of the light.

"I'm hungry," Phil announced to his disgruntled friend, "why don't we ditch this place and head out for something to eat?"

"We can't just ditch," Dan muttered as he pulled the cloth off his face and sat up properly in his chair, "we need to be here."

"No we don't," Phil said, "we've done our stage show, we don't have another one until tomorrow, the rest of the day is our oyster."

"But our friends," Dan muttered weakly. It was obvious that he was considering it and it wouldn't make Phil surprised it he caved easily.

"Our friends will be here the whole weekend just like we will be," Phil said, "we can surely spare a little time to go and get some sushi."

"Sushi?" Dan visibly perked up at the comment from Phil. Almost like he was a labrador puppy who had just been shown a fuzzy tennis ball. 

"I googled it and there's a place not too far from here that we could sneak away to," Phil said.

It was probably obvious to anyone expect for Dan that there was an ulterior motive to him wanting to go for sushi with his friend, he was jealous. It was completely ridiculous that he should feel jealous of losing time with Dan to their  _ friends _ but he still did, he wanted to whip Dan away so he could spend time with him, just the two of them, he could almost pretend that they were  _ more  _ than they were.That was stupid. It was selfish, and it was all he wanted.

"Fine, I guess we could sneak away for some sushi," Dan said after a few moments of what seemed like intense thought, "we could always come back later, and I am pretty hungry."

"Great," Phil said jumping to his feet, "now come on, move it."

Without thinking Phil held out his hand for Dan to use to pull himself up from, for a split second he debated whether or not he should just retract it but before he was able to even put those thoughts into actions he felt a warmth touch his palm. It lingered for a moment and then there was a pressure as Dan pulled himself up and it was gone.

He could only try to imagine a day where he would pull Dan to his feet only for that warmth to remain, he wouldn't have to feel the coldness of loss as Dan pulled away and moved from his side. Maybe one day they would walk hand in hand to their destinations, but it wasn't that day and the small space between himself and Dan was physically painful.

"So... sushi?" Dan asked drawing Phil's attention to the fact that he had been standing staring down at his empty hand for longer than he should have been.

"Sushi," Phil confirmed. Sushi was a special thing for them, even though neither of them would admit to its importance.

When the had met for the very first time they had gone for sushi, it had been exciting and new and neither of them had actually tried it before. For them to experience it for the first time together and bond over trying new things was important and it had become a tradition of theirs.

When one of them was feeling down the other person would order sushi, when one of them had made some sort of achievement then they got sushi, when they were having a good day then they would get sushi. Every single time that they did, Phil would remember that very first time that they got sushi together.

He would remember Dan's awkward fumbling and rosy cheeks as he picked at his food between quick glances at Phil though his fringe. He remembered how he nipped at his jawline nervously and caused a little red patch to appear. He remembered the way he snorted when he laughed and then looked away quickly in embarrassment so Phil ‘accidentally’ knocked over his water to make him feel better. It was obvious that he had been nervous about their meeting but it was confusing to Phil as to  _ why?  _ It was technically the first time that they had met in person but they had skyped many times before that.

"Come on, Phil," Dan said, "if you keep zoning out then you're going to seriously start worrying people. What were you thinking this time?"

"I was thinking about the first time that we ever went to get sushi," Phil admitted for the first time.

"Oh?" there was a strange note in Dan's voice that was enough to grab Phil's attention. Dan was looking anywhere but at him and there was a red hue creeping up his cheek. It was interesting.

"Oh?" Phil repeated.

"It's nothing," Dan mumbled sounding less articulate than Phil had heard him sound in years.

"It doesn't sound like nothing," Phil said as they walked.

"Maybe someday I will tell you about it," Dan said.

"Come on," Phil whined, "there is no way that you can just drop a bomb like that on me and then say nothing more."

"It's not really a bomb," Dan said, "it's a vague comment that I'm not elaborating on right now, in fact I may never elaborate on it, it just depends on the future."

Phil groaned loudly attracting the attention of multiple people nearby, "I hate you," he muttered.

"I know," Dan said with a cocky grin that made Phil's heart stutter in his chest. He hated that Dan could cause such a physical effect with something as simple as a smile. There was nothing he could do to stop his heart from racing and jumping at the slightest action from Phil.

The sushi place was quaint, Phil hated that word but it was the only one that came to mind when he tried to think of a way to describe the restaurant. In all honesty it was more like a cafe that had been designed by Dolores Umbridge than anything else.

"It's-" Dan faltered taking in the frilly pink and white crocheted tea pot covers, "it's different."

"Yeah," Phil agreed, "maybe this is the wrong place?"

"You think that  _ John's Sushi Shack  _ is the wrong place?" Dan asked.

"There are tea pots on every table, I don't think this is a sushi place."

"Sushi?" a tiny elderly woman asked, craning her neck to stare at the two of them, "no, I would never serve such a thing. I heard that that stuff gives you cancer."

"Then why is it called-"

"John's Sushi Shack?" the woman asked, her american accent was thick with amusement, "my late husband was a huge fan of the stuff. It was always his dream to serve sushi and make everyone happy with the same passion as he had."

"So you changed this over?" Phil asked tactfully.

"No, I just named it that as a memoir to him," she said as though that made complete sense to her, "right, so table for two?" 

"I guess," Dan said and Phil was curious to find out why exactly he had agreed to stay and eat at the frilly hell when there were probably a hundred authentic sushi restaurants in Florida.

They were sat in chairs that were too small for them at a table that was too short meaning that their knees bumped against the underside of it causing the cutlery on the top to clink against each other.

"Here are the menus," she said to them, "as you will see we have different specials every day, and we even have authentic British tea that you will be glad to see." Phil wasn't really sure how to take the wink that she shot at them but he told himself that it wasn’t something that he should overthink.

She left them in peace, or what should have been peace but was actually an awkward silence in which they found themselves glancing between the menus and the doors as if they were both debating whether they should just make a break for it.

"The authentic British tea is Asda's own, in fact in brackets she's even clarified that it's smart price tea bags," Dan said.

"There's a choice between British and American coffee," Phil said looking at the menu, "the British option is Tesco's 'chosen by you'."

"So they've bought the cheapest of the cheap and decided that that's good enough," Dan said with a shrug, "I'm not going to lie though, but I was looking forward to a cup of Tetley."

"I think we have bigger worries than what type of tea bags we are going to drink."

"You're worried?" Dan asked, "why?"

"This woman doesn't really seem like she knows how to run a cafe and if you look around then you'll notice that we're the only ones in here." Phil said.

"So?"

"So that mean that we're the stupid tourists that are about to get food poisoning," Phil said.

"Oh," Dan muttered, "well I guess that that means we should stick to tea and a cake."

"Good idea," Phil said, "do you want the frinkle fritz cake or the hunkledinkory flan?"

"What the fuck?" Dan asked, "they're not actually called that are they?"

"I wish I was lying," Phil murmured looking at the gibberish that was scrawled on the menu before glancing up and looking around the restaurant for the little american lady, "she's in the back."

"Should we do it?" Dan asked.

"It would be rude," Phil murmured but he couldn't deny that he was tempted to just ditch the place, they could walk out and there would be nothing wrong with that as they hadn't actually bought anything.

"It would be," Dan agreed, "but then, it wouldn't matter because we don't actually live here, we can go back to England and she will never see us again."

"On three?" Phil asked as he took a moment to mentally prepare himself for the fact that they were going to ditch out on the restaurant that they had accidentally walked into.

"Screw counting, let's go," Dan said quickly and he grabbed Phil's hand to drag him from the undersized chair.

Twice in one day. They had held hands twice in just one day. Dan was pulling him, both of them weaving together through the tiny tables and ridiculous vases of wildly coloured flowers. He kept tight ahold of his hand as they raced through the door both of them shooting each other worried looks as the bell in the doorway blared out it's annoying jingle.

Dan didn't drop Phil's hand until they were in the street and almost a street away from the frilly hell cafe. The loss was more tangible than he would ever have thought possible but it was almost like a part of him had been torn away.

He had barely even realised how much they were laughing, Dan's obnoxious joy was filling the street and drawing glances from those around them but for once Phil didn't care that all attention was on them. He honestly could not think of anyone he would rather ditch an insane cafe with than Dan and to see him looking so joyous meant more to Phil than any amount of sushi or tea.

Phil had been so concerned about making sure that Dan didn't realise that he had feelings for him that he had forgotten how good it felt to just do something stupid together. He just wished that he had the confidence to admit that he wanted to spend the rest of his life being stupid with Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed!! hmu on tumblr @amczingphil and let me know what you thought!!


	9. nine

Sleeping on the undersized bed had turned out to be even more uncomfortable that Phil could have ever imagined. When he woke up, it was to a stiff neck and a throbbing pain in his hip where one of the springs in the mattress had dug into him throughout the night. Not to mention that his feet were cold from hanging over the edge. He was overall feeling very disgruntled.

From there his morning just seemed to get worse. When he tried to order his typical American holiday breakfast of pancakes and coffee, he was informed that they had  _ just  _ ran out of pancakes and he was able to choose from a cooked breakfast, waffles, or toast and cereal. He begrudgingly accepted the waffles as they were the closest thing in his opinion, but they ended up being soggy and covered in a questionable sauce that he was afraid to try.

The shirt he had wanted to wear to the show that day had been ruined by his sun screen leaking all over it, leaving questionable white marks everywhere. Just to make that situation even worse, not only was his shirt ruined but he was also going to have to buy more sunscreen at some point, he was far too pale to go without.

After his soggy breakfast and wardrobe malfunction, Phil was sure that there was no possible way that anything could get worse. Except it could and it did.

Their taxi to the convention centre was late and Phil found himself anxiously jumping from foot to foot with picking at the nail on his thumb to distract himself from the time that was moving too fast for his liking. It was unusual for him to be the anxious one, normally he was telling Dan to relax and take a deep breath because everything would work out in the end.

They finally made with plenty of time to spare, which should have rendered all of Phil's fears obsolete, but it didn't. He was sitting in an oversized arm chair, surrounded by pillows and frilly bits and pieces - conventions always did go ridiculously over the top - and he knew that he couldn’t do it. 

He just couldn't do any of it.

Phil's heart was racing like a thoroughbred running the Grand Prix, and his palms were sweaty as though he was an awkward teenager about to ask the person of his dreams out on a date. It was completely ridiculous for him to feel such a way, and yet his chest was rising and falling rapidly and he could hear his breath escaping between his teeth faster than it should have been.

It was almost like he was listening to someone else's breathing, like there was another person sitting next to him, hyperventilating. Except there was no other person and the rapid respiration was all Phil, but he still felt disconnected from it, and from the entire situation that he was in.

He just couldn't stop himself from thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong. They had successfully done an entire worldwide tour with minimal catastrophes, and neither of them had suffered any lifetime trauma from it. So why was he so sure that this one stage show would end in an unavoidable disaster?

Why was his mind running around in circles over the prospect of simply walking on a stage in front of a group of people who were there because they wanted to see him and Dan? He knew why, he just didn't want to admit it to himself.

He was worried about the number of eyes that would be on him, watching his every move and analysing every word he said, or gesture he made as they looked for a hidden meaning. To be fair they weren't technically wrong, there were a lot of things that he left unsaid, mainly because those things would change his life, and the lives of the people closest to him.

It was a strange situation to be in - to have people knowing intricate details of his life and still want more. No matter how much he gave them, they just constantly wanted more and more. It was exhausting and as much as he loved his life, sometimes it felt like he just wasn't enough. People wanted more and he was running out of things to give them, he wasn't as interesting as Dan, or as pretty and dramatic. Phil's  _ thing  _ was telling funny, quirky stories about things that had happened in his life, but he was running out of things to say.

He couldn't tell them about the way he once missed an episode of the Great British Bake Off because he was too busy watching the minutely changing expressions on Dan's face as the show went on.

"Phil?" Dan spoke up, breaking Phil's train of thought. He hadn't realised that he had been frowning so heavily that he had inadvertently given himself a mild headache.

Phil was the weird guy on youtube, he was the one with strange habits and questionable thought patterns, and that was why a lot of people found him to be endearing but how long before that wasn't enough. What if it already wasn't enough? What if he walked out onto the stage and people didn't want him there? What if they just wanted Dan and found Phil to be annoying?

"Phil, come on," Dan said quietly. "You need to get out of your head, you know that that never ends well before a show."

"I know, I'm fine." Phil said, he was surprised at how hoarse his voice sounded, it was like he hadn't spoken in weeks.

"Really?" Dan asked, arching an eyebrow as he shot Phil an unconvinced look.

"Really, I'm alright," Phil said and even he could tell that his thin voice was not convincing in the slightest.

"I can hear your breathing from all the way over here, you don't sound fine."

"Dan, trust me, there's nothing wrong." Phil lied, maybe if he lied enough then he would actually start to believe what he was saying.

"Come on, Phil," Dan said, leaning forward in his chair with a small frown on his face that created a crease between his brows that Phil wanted to smooth out with the tips of his fingers. "We both know that's bullshit."

"I-" Phil faltered unable to bring himself to lie again to Dan's face.

"You can talk to me you know," Dan said gently, as if Phil didn't already know that.

"I know I can," he said, "I just don't really know what's wrong so I don't know how to explain it."

He was scared about going on stage, that much was obvious, but there was something else that was worrying him, something that he couldn't quite put his finger on but it sent waves of adrenaline coursing through him and sweat to form on the back of his neck as though he was in danger.

"Alright," Dan said softly, "what's bothering you most in this moment right now?"

"The waffles," Phil said impulsively, "I didn't want them, and then they were soggy and weird and my outfit was ruined and we were nearly late and everything is going to go wrong."

"You think that a bad breakfast has given you bad luck?" Dan asked.

"I think it's not a sign I want to ignore," Phil said, and even he had to admit that it sounded ridiculous.

"Has something happened that you're not telling me about?" Dan asked.

"What?" Fear filled Phil's stomach and for a split second he was sure that Dan  _ knew,  _ he wasn't sure how, but he was sure that Dan was aware of how hopelessly in love Phil was with him for an eternally lasting moment. "No, nothing like that.”

He was trying not to worry Dan but at the same time he felt like that was all he was capable of doing. After all he didn't think that he would be able to move when they were called to the side of the stage.

It was as if someone had coated his chair in superglue, he couldn't move at all. His entire body was stuck and he was going to be unable to stand up when it was time and he would let down all of their viewers because he wouldn't be able to walk out into the spotlight.

Most of all though he was worried about letting Dan down.

Sure, Dan was a good guy and he had been through similar worries in his life which meant that he wouldn't judge Phil for his sudden stage fright.Well, as far as Phil was concerned, Dan wouldn't be visibly upset, but it would just be another thing. It was one more thing that Phil had screwed up, and eventually the list would build and build until eventually it would be one thing too many. Eventually he would drive Dan away because he was incapable of acting like a normal human being.

"Phil, come on, I can't help you if you're not willing to talk to me," Dan said.

"I know, I know," Phil muttered in frustration.

"Safe environment," Dan said before glancing around at the various people who were wandering about with headsets on, none of them were paying attention to Dan or Phil. "Well, mostly."

Phil appreciated the attempt and he knew that the only way to make sense of the mess in his brain was to admit his feelings to Dan and accept his help, "I'm scared." His voice was little more than a whisper but Dan appeared to hear him loud and clear.

He was waiting for the rebuttal to come, for Dan to tell him that he went on stage the day before and managed fine so he should just suck it up and get on with it. He should have known better, and he felt guilty for not giving Dan enough credit.

"Alright," Dan said, and he appeared to be thinking intensely, "do you know what it is that's making you feel scared?"

"We're planning on going on stage in front of so many people," Phil said quietly, and just the thought was sending a cold shiver down his spine and a prickly feeling running across his skin as though he was running a cactus along it.

"Yeah, we are," Dan agreed. "It's pretty intense, isn't it?"

"They're going to be watching us," Phil agreed, "waiting for us to mess up, maybe they'll film our mistakes and then put them online forever, and nothing we ever say or do will remove that from people's minds."

"Phil, those people out there are here because they want to see us," Dan said, "they're not going to create a shit storm if we forget what to say or mess up our timing."

"I guess," Phil murmured.

"Do you remember when I kicked a block off the stage during tatinof and hurt one of our audience members?

“Yeah,” Phil murmured, confused by the sudden change in direction of their conversation. 

“Well, the next day I was terrified about ever going on another stage, I was sure that I would hurt someone again and I felt so guilty about it.” Dan admitted. 

"I had no idea," Phil said.  

Dan had never said anything at the time and he hadn’t left any indications that there was anything wrong. Or had Phil just missed all the signs? Had he been so wrapped up in his own world and trying to avoid the slowly forming feelings for his best friend that he had completely neglected to notice Dan’s struggles. 

"I know that, I didn’t want you to worry,” Dan said with a shrug that indicated that he knew he should have told Phil. “Be honest though,  what would you have told me if you'd known?" 

"Probably that there was a one in a million chance of it happening again because you're aware of the possibility  now." Phil said honestly. 

"Right," Dan said, "and what is it that you're worried about happening on stage?"

"I'm worried about falling off, or saying something stupid, or being an idiot, or-"

"So you won't fall off," Dan said simply with a shrug. "You've fallen off the stage once before and after that you didn’t do it again because you were aware of the potential. So now you can use that knowledge to stay away from the edge of the stage during  _ this  _ performance, and you know what? Even if you do fall, everyone will find it endearing. They're not going to complain or laugh at you, they'll be worried about your wellbeing, if anything."

"I guess," Phil murmured, "and the other things?"

"You're always an idiot who says stupid things," Dan said with a fond grin.

"Wow thanks," Phil muttered, but strangely he felt reassured. Dan wasn’t treating him like an idiot or ridiculing him for being afraid, he was patient and understanding. He was offering Phil simple thoughts to try and help, and Phil couldn’t deny that he was beginning to feel better. 

"My point is that you're a complete dork," Dan said, "but that's why people love you. You're a thirty one year old man who acts like a child, you're proof that people don't have to conform to societal norms and they can embrace their inner child without constantly worrying about other people's thoughts and expectations.”

Phil couldn’t help but laugh at that, and apparently that was what what Dan had intended as he sat back in his seat slightly with a light smile. 

“But, hey, if you want to ditch we can,” Dan said. 

“I couldn’t let people down like that.” Phil said surely. 

“Then don’t, we can tell them I’m ill, or that I’m having a bad day and can’t go on stage.” Dan said. 

“I’m not going to let you take responsibility for this,” Phil said. “I appreciate the thought though.”

“Alright,” Dan said, “is there anything I can do to help?”

“Make me get out of this seat?” Phil asked. He was feeling better but he still wasn’t sure that he would be able to move from his chair.

Dan didn’t think twice about the request, in one fluid movement he was standing up from his chair and holding out his hand for Phil to take. 

Phil stared at it for a moment, was this something that they were doing now? Would there come a day when he didn’t freak out internally at the idea of holding Dan’s hand? 

The distraction proved a blessing though, because as Phil’s brain freaked out about the feel of his hand in Dan’s, his body forgot that he was too afraid to move and before he knew it he was being hauled to his feet and filled with reassurance that he could do it. 

He just needed to focus on Dan, when he was afraid, he could look to Dan. 

“Come on, Phil,” Dan murmured, “it’s time.”

Phil looked up to where the stage attendant was impatiently typing on her phone, apparently he had been too lost in his thoughts to hear her call. 

Dan pulled him towards the wings of the stage, where they would hide, unseen by anyone until their names were announced. Phil suddenly didn’t care that they were going towards to screaming crowd. He was too busy focusing on the fact that Dan was pulling him towards the stage. 

He had never let go of Phil’s hand and that sent a warm feeling pooling in Phil’s tummy and he wished for a split second that they could walk onto the stage hand in hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for sticking with me <3 i love you guys so much!! find me on tumblr @amczingphil


	10. ten

“Are you packing a bag?” Phil asked curiously from where he was perched on the side of his bed, watching Dan move around the room.

“A bag?” Dan asked, he froze in place and turned to look at Phil with an adorable confused expression on his face. “Why would I need to pack a bag? I’m only flying there and then coming back.”

“It’s better to be prepared,” Phil said, he didn’t want to mention that he was worried about something going wrong and Dan getting stuck in the Bahamas. There was no need to worry Dan when the chances of it happening were very slim. Besides, it wouldn't be the end of the world, but Phil also didn’t want to waste any of the time that he had with Dan in Florida.

“Phil, I’m going to the Bahamas. I’ll kill a few hours there, and then I’ll be flying back,” Dan said with an amused smile that made Phil’s heart stutter in his chest.

“I know, but I still worry,” Phil said. “There’s still time for me to get a ticket and come with you, you know?”

“I know,” Dan said simply, he opened his mouth and closed it again as though he had been about to say something and then changed his mind. It was obvious to Phil that he was holding something back.

“But?” Phil prompted gently. He didn’t want to push Dan, but he also didn't want to let Dan get on the plane with something on his mind, not when he would have the entire flight to the Bahamas and back to think about whatever it was that was bothering him.

“But that’s a waste of money,” Phil could tell that the words were a lie before Dan had even finished saying them.

“Yeah,” he wasn’t going to push, not when it was so obvious that Dan didn’t want to discuss the topic, but he couldn’t deny the curiosity was coursing through him and creating an itch to know what was up with Dan.

There was a gentle lull of silence as Phil lay back on his bed and watched Dan flit about the room, he was gathering his stuff together as though he intended to pack it for his day trip but Phil knew better, he was perfectly aware that Dan was just anxious and trying to keep himself busy in the hopes that he could distract himself from the inconvenient journey ahead.

“Are you sure you don't want me to wait here for you?” Phil asked.

“No,” Dan said, shaking his head. “Go have fun with our friends, I’ll meet you guys at the park when I get back. It won’t take me that long.”

_“I don't want to spend time with them without you, it’s not the same. You’re the only reason I interact with most of those people,”_ was what Phil wanted to say, but instead something else came out. “I’ll keep my phone on, so if there’s anything at all, just give me a call.”

“You need to stop worrying,” Dan said, and Phil wanted to call him out on his hypocrisy as he could see the faint lines of worry around Dan’s eyes. Small creases that had been made while Dan’s back had been turned to Phil, and had yet to fade.

“I’ll always worry,” Phil said. He meant it in more ways than Dan knew, he would always worry about Dan, about himself, about their relationship. Neither of them wanted to mention the inevitable end, but Phil was more than aware of it looming upon them.

It was, after all, only a matter of time before one of them ended up putting down a deposit on a house.

“Yeah, I get that,” Dan said so softly that Phil was sure that he wasn’t meant to hear the whispered words.

“What time is your taxi to the airport?” Phil asked, not that he wanted to know the answer.

“Fifteen minutes.”

“So soon?” Phil accidentally asked out loud.

“Well, the sooner I leave the sooner I get back, right?” Dan asked.

Phil couldn't argue with that one, Dan had chosen the earliest possible return flight that they could justify the cost of in order to get back quicker. For the party, Dan had explained, much to Phil’s pain. It was however, crazy to Phil to think about the fact that Dan was willing to fly away and come back just for the sake of joining the Lester family holiday. It was almost insane to think about, but Phil couldn't deny that he was overwhelmingly elated that Dan was joining them.

“Alright,” Dan said, doing a last minute glance around the room as though he was looking for something he had forgotten, despite not having packed a bag. “I think I’m good, my taxi is outside.”

“Go,” Phil said, surprised at how hard the word was to spit out. “You can’t miss your flight, if you do that then you’ll miss the party.”

_‘I don’t care about the party, I just want you to hurry back because I feel lonely without you_ ,’ was what Phil had wanted to say, but he couldn’t. Not when Dan was hovering in the doorway and about to leave to board a flight. It wasn't fair to either of them.

Dan looked lost, standing there, and for a moment Phil put aside all his thoughts and fears and pushed himself up from where he was sprawled out on the undersized bed, so that he could move forward and pull Dan into a hug.

He barely even realised what he was doing until it was too late and his arms were around Dan, who hesitated for a split second before Phil felt his warm, slightly sweaty palms rest on his back.

They were hugging. It wasn't exactly something new, they had hugged in the past. In fact, when they had initially met each other they had hugged fairly often, Phil had been afraid that he would never see Dan again. It had been a ridiculous thought but back then internet friends weren’t such a big thing and there was absolutely the potential for them to suddenly stop talking. Once they had become confident in their friendship and Phil’s feelings had begun to mutate and change into something more, the hugs had become less and less.

Did Dan realise that this was so much more than a hug to Phil? Did he know how much Phil resented the thought that he would eventually have to pull away? Did he know that Phil was desperate for the moment to never end between them?

Of course not. Phil didn't want him to know and the chances were that Dan just thought he was being his usual strange self.

The moments dragged on until eventually Phil forced himself to pull away, because he knew that if he didn’t then he would hold Dan until the taxi gave up and left and the plane took off for the Bahamas with an empty seat.

“Have a safe flight,” Phil said quietly.

“You too,” Dan muttered, before a rosy hue flushed up his neck and painted his cheeks. He instantly realised what he had said and began to stammer out a correction. “I- I mean, not you, having a flight that is. Have a safe night, don’t do anything too crazy.”

Phil couldn’t help but laugh at the flustered rambling, and he wished that he could fondly tell Dan, _“I love you,”_ before kissing his warm cheek and reminding him that it was alright to mess up sometimes. He couldn’t do that though, instead he was left confused as to why Dan was so flustered. He decided to chalk it down to pre-flight nerves, it made the most sense.

“Ok,” Phil said. “For real this time, you need to go.”

“I know, I know,” Dan said without moving . He was standing with his hands in front of him, where they had been ever since Phil pulled back from the hug that he had initiated, it was almost like Dan had forgotten what to do with them.

“Go,” Phil said again. “Don’t miss this holiday because you don’t want to get a flight.”

There was a brief pause in which an unreadable expression crossed over Dan’s face like a brief shadow, it was so quick that Phil didn’t have time to try and read into it before it softened into his usual easy grin, “you wish it was that easy to get rid of me.”

And then he was gone.

Just like that, Phil was left alone in their dingy hotel room that had previously felt too small for two people but had suddenly turned into a cavernous space that was just screaming at him about the absence of Dan. It was so much easier to see the spaces that Dan filled up when he was no longer there.

After a few moments, he moved over to the window that looked out over the car park. Dan was just walking over towards the waiting taxi. Was it weird of Phil to want to make sure that Dan safely made it into the taxi? Dan was a fully grown man, he was an adult who was able to look after himself and pay his bills… and yet Phil had wanted to walk him to the car.

He had reckoned that it may have been a little too revealing if he said he wanted to walk Dan outside, he may not have been able to recover from a slip like that.

Despite the situations being very different, as Phil stood there watching Dan leave, he was reminded of the time when he'd been forced to watch him leave back in 2009. That had been one of the hardest things that he had ever done. He had watched Dan board the train back to Reading and had been unaware of their future, he’d had no idea that they would end up where they were now. At the time, they had just been kids blindly trying to way in life, now they were Dan and Phil. They were a brand, people would probably look at them and think they had everything, if only they knew that Phil would trade it all for Dan’s love.   
  
Unlike in 2009, Phil knew now, with one hundred percent certainty that Dan would be returning, he wouldn't be left wondering when the next time they would meet would be. Dan would be back by his side in the very same day; essentially he just had to imagine that he had nipped out for a pint of milk. If the corner shop was very, very far away that was.   
  
Unless he was planning on starting a new life in the Bahamas, which Phil honestly couldn't see happening but at the same time his heart rate spiked with the fear of such a thought even being possible.   
  
"It's fine," Phil muttered out loud to himself, he felt like an idiot for even doing it. "It's a few hours, and soon I'll be with my friends and I'll barely even notice Dan's absence."   
  
The lie was almost comical, as if he could ever not notice Dan's absence. There were mornings when Phil would wake up and sense that their flat was too quiet, only to enter the kitchen and see a note scrawled on a sticky note on Dan's cereal saying:   
  
_gone to get more milk_   
_don't touch my cereal_  
  
Usually Phil would grunt in tired appreciation that Dan was going to the shop and saving him a job later, before plunging his hand into the box and shoving a handful of dry crunchy nut clusters into his mouth.   
  
Phil stood at the window long after Dan had disappeared in the taxi, he was a mess. There was no other way to describe him, he was falling far too hard for Dan and despite telling himself that he just had to try and get Dan to fall in love with him he knew that it wasn't enough.

There were some moments when it seemed as though there was a chance for Dan to return his feelings.

Just the previous night when they had lay in their beds and stared at the ceiling that had been illuminated by the street lights outside, Phil had wondered if it was possible for the night to never end.

There had been an easy conversation that picked up and lulled in waves, there was no pressure for them to talk at any time and there was no expectation for complete silence. It had been comfortable and the only way that Phil could have thought to improve it would have been for them to be lying side by side in the same bed.

There was a sharp buzz in Phil's pocket that pulled him out of his thoughts with a fright.

_Dan: get out of the hotel and do something you dork_

Phil couldn't stop the small snort of amusement from escaping through his nose. How was it that Dan knew him so well? How did he know that he would have just hovered in the hotel room until he received a message from Dan announcing that he had landed in America once again.

_Phil:  Jokes on you, I already left_

_Dan: uh huh sure you did_

_Phil: Me and Sam are currently drinking cocktails by the pool_

_Dan: sam?_

_Phil: The surfer guy from the airport, turns out he's actually staying in the same hotel as us_

_Dan: go outside phil_

Phil shook his head gently and shoved his phone back into his pocket. Maybe Dan was right, maybe he should go outside and wander around for a bit. It would be nice to see a little more of the place and it would pass some time until he was due to get ready for the celebration that night.

The hardest part would be if anyone recognised him. He could already hear the questions about where Dan was echoing in his mind and he knew that it was going to be exhausting to lie and say that he was back at the hotel.

He could already see the tweets and tumblr posts about them having 'problems' and being apart which was _obviously_ because they were moving out and into separate homes. For some reason whenever they did anything alone people automatically assumed that they were fighting.

It was strange.

Couldn't they see that all Phil wanted to do was be with Dan? Couldn't they read that his biggest fear was being forced to move out and into his own place? It was unbelievably frustrating but it made Phil feel slightly better that he wasn't being too obvious.

If their viewers couldn't see his infatuation then his oblivious crush would never, which was reassuring, but it meant that Phil would have to work even harder to convince Dan to even look at him in that way.

There was another buzz. How long had he been lost in thought for?    
  
_Dan: just about to board now i'll let you know when i get back  x_   
  
Was that kiss intentional? Had he realised that he had sent it? What did it mean? They weren't the sort of people who sent each other kisses, they were the people who sent the most random emojis that they could find. So why had Dan sent that?   
  
_Dan: also get out of the hotel_   
  
Phil didn't know whether to laugh or scream, Dan knew him too well, he knew that Phil would spend far too long lost in his thoughts, it was becoming an increasing problem, but it was impossible for him to stop when the thoughts that he kept getting lost in were all centered around Dan.

Finally Phil took Dan’s advice, and after a quick glance at Dan’s empty, unmade bed, he left the hotel room and made his way outside to kill some time until Dan would be back. His mind was filled with that little cross that Dan had ended his message with.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for your patience <3333 hope you like <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i'm still alive

_ Dan: i think i started a taxi civil war this is it this is how i die _

Phil blinked a few times and wondered whether he had really put his contacts in that morning or if it had just been a hallucination. He let his gaze wander up to the ceiling for a moment as though he was looking for a sign, before returning his attention to his phone to make sure that he had read the words right - they were still the same. 

Dan was having an interesting time in the Bahamas it seemed.

A  small flicker of jealousy burned in Phil’s stomach like a lit match, he knew that it was irrational to be jealous that Dan was off adventuring in The Bahamas, especially as he didn't want to be there. After all, the whole reason for his journey was so he could stay in the USA long enough to join Phil's family on their holiday, it wasn't like he had decided to go there for the sake of it.

So he tried to suppress the jealousy and instead focused his attention on trying to work out what Dan had meant by a 'taxi civil war'. He had conjured up an image of Chris Evans surfing over the top of a row of taxis on his Captain America shield, which he couldn’t say he would have been opposed to witnessing in person.

_ Phil: What did you do? _

_ Dan: i asked the travel info person what i could do for an hour _ __  
_ Dan: and she was like 'there's time to go to the beach' _ __  
_ Dan: so i was going to go to the beach and get some lunch and shit _ __  
_ Dan: and then when i got in a taxi the guy started shouting when i said i was going to the beach _ _  
_ __ Dan: and now they're all shouting

Phil could barely keep up with the texts as they appeared in rapid succession, Dan was one of those people who sent fifty thousand texts rather than just taking his time to send one single long message. Back when they had first started talking it had irked Phil, but in the time that they had spent with each other he had grown accustomed to it. Besides, he had learnt that asking Dan to take his time and just send everything at once was a waste of breath. 

_ Dan: ok i escaped _

_ Phil: Dan, you just had to fly there and fly back. I didn't think it was possible to cause trouble just doing that? _

_ Dan: it wasnt my fault _ _  
_ _ Dan: how was i to know that they would be angry about it? _

Phil couldn't stop a small breathy laugh from escaping, he was normally the person who managed to get caught up in strange situations, which made it all the more amusing for Dan to be the one causing ripples in society.

It was an uncomfortable experience for Phil to be texting Dan when he was so far away, not in the sense that the conversation was uncomfortable, but usually when they would text each other it was out of laziness. They tended to be in the same room or at the very least in the same building, and they would choose to text rather than getting up or actually speaking. They even messaged each other while sitting side by side in public so that they could talk with each other without anyone else listening in.

But messaging because they  _ had  _ to? It brought back the pain that Phil used to feel back in 2009 when he and Dan had lived too far apart to have a conversation in person. He knew that it was stupid of him to be so focused on something from  _ years  _ ago, but he wasn’t rational when it came to Dan. 

_ Dan: i checked in an hour early _

Phil couldn't deny that he was grateful for the distraction that Dan was supplying from his own thoughts, he had a tendency to get slightly too reflective and caught up in his own mind when left to his own devices. They both did. It was probably why they enjoyed one another’s company so much. 

_ Dan: i have sparkling water _ __  
_ Dan: i'm sitting on the floor _ _  
_ __ Dan: i'm bored

So much for Dan sending him a quick text when he got back to the airport in Florida, it seemed that he had decided to give Phil a play by play of everything that was going on. Which was understandable, Phil would have wanted someone to talk to too if he was stuck in an airport waiting for a flight, airports were boring.

_ Phil: The floor? Are there no seats? It's an airport? _

_ Dan: its a v small airport _ __  
_ Dan: which means limited seats and theres people in all of them _ _  
_ __ Dan: did you leave the hotel yet?

_ Phil: Of course, I'm soaking up the sun, I'll be bursting into flames any moment now _

_ Dan: liar _ _  
_ _ Dan: go outside _

Go outside.

It was a good suggestion, maybe a little sunlight would help him look a little less pale, but he couldn't be bothered to move from where he was lying flat on his back and staring at the ceiling.

_ Dan: i'm on the plane _ __  
_ Dan: turning my phone onto flight mode _ _  
_ __ Dan: see you soon

Just like that, Phil's only company was gone. 

He let his phone fall from his hand and onto the bed beside him as he lay there staring at nothing and wondering if it would be bad of him to take a nap and just wake up when Dan would be back. He could set an alarm and Dan would never know any different.

Except Phil didn't want to lie to him, he already felt as though he was lying about his feelings as he wasn’t admitting everything to Dan, he didn't need anything more to pile onto his record. So rather than rolling onto his side and cocooning himself in the fluffy duvet, he dragged himself to his feet with the reluctance of a teenager waking up at 7am for school.

The problem with figuring out something to do to pass the time until Dan returned was that Phil didn’t want to do anything without Dan. He had googled a list of tourist-type attractions in the general area but everything he was interested in, he wanted to experience with Dan. It just wouldn’t be as much fun if he was on his own.

Phil left the hotel, if only so he could tell Dan he had taken his advice to go for a walk. He stepped out into the blistering Floridian heat and wished that he was inside a portable bubble of air conditioning, how did anyone survive in Florida? The sun was literally out to kill everyone, and Phil was sure that he wasn't being dramatic about that statement.

One of the small blessings of the sun being so bright was Phil could hide behind sunglasses and hope they were enough to prevent anyone from recognising him. In theory it was a good plan, except his viewers seemed to have his entire wardrobe memorised and unfortunately the glasses alone weren’t enough to disguise him. He had to plaster on what he hoped seemed like an authentic smile as he hugged strangers on the street and took awkward selfies with them. 

It wouldn’t have been so bad but they asked all the questions that Phil had hoped to avoid. 

“Where’s Dan?” 

“Are you guys not here together?”

“What’s Dan up to right now?”

Phil just had to force a laugh and answer one of them with a light, “he’s busy right now,” and hope they would accept that answer.

“Well, yeah,” one of them said. “Is he  _ here  _ though?” 

That struck Phil as a tad peculiar, it was an odd question and it seemed to imply that they knew something. What reasoning would they even have to ask him that? It wasn’t like Dan had made a huge deal about having to fly to The Bahamas, in fact Phil was fairly sure he had only told their close friends.

So what was the hidden meaning behind the girl’s question and uncomfortable prying? 

Phil had simply laughed and told them that of course Dan was still there; where else would he be? The girl smiled at his reply in cryptic manner as they took a selfie and he wished her well before they parted ways. 

The entire conversation had left him feeling confused and uncomfortable. He began to wonder if Dan had been up to something. 

After a simple scroll through twitter, Phil was quick to learn why her questioning was so specific: Dan had checked in on Twitter in The Bahamas. Of course he had. Of course, because Dan was over dramatic and whilst he would probably deny it when asked; he thrived on attention. It really shouldn't have come as that much of a surprise for Phil to find him announcing his trip to The Bahamas while also not explaining anything about why he was there. 

What was worse was that Phil had now told some of their viewers that Dan was in Florida still, and he wasn’t an idiot, he knew that his words would be on Twitter and Tumblr in quotation marks which people would use as fuel in their ‘where is Dan’ debate that would inevitably be going on. 

It would have been nice for Dan to have given him a little prewarning. 

After he realised that being outside made him a target for questions, Phil quickly made his retreat back to the hotel, where he planned to stay until it was time for him to get an Uber to Universal where he would meet up with his friends and Dan. 

He didn’t know when exactly he had started seeing Dan as separate from his friends. 

Of course Dan was one of his friends - his best friend - and they were so much closer than anyone on the outside could ever comprehend, but at some point Phil’s mind had started to separate ‘Dan’ and ‘friends’. Maybe it was because he saw Dan every day and it was easier to have him on that different level, or maybe it was because to Phil he was so much more than a friend. 

He deserved to in his own category, he deserved to stand out from everyone else, because he stood out to Phil. 

Noise.

That was how Phil would describe Disney. It was a symphony of chaos; there were children screaming, tipsy adults laughing slightly too loud, large groups of people shouting in an attempt to talk over one another, and people just randomly bursting into cheers whenever the large dragon curled around the top of Gringotts exhaled fire as though they were making a contribution to the volume just for the sake of it. 

It was overwhelming for Phil and he was struggling to keep up with the conversations and exclamations that were coming at him from every angle. He tried his best to find out what his friends had been up to since they had last spoken, but as the noise increased and the alcohol started to be shared out, he realised it was a lost cause. There was too much going on and he wanted nothing more than to be back in the hotel room, away from the insanity of so many YouTubers yapping and vlogging at the same time. 

So it came as somewhat of a surprise to Phil to discover that the noise faded into almost nothing as he spotted Dan making his way through the crowds of people to where Phil was sitting with their friends and an ice cold Butterbeer for Dan. He hadn’t even realised that Dan had been so close to him. 

He wasn't sure why, but Phil had half expected Dan to look different somehow.

Even though they had only been away from each other for a day, even though basically no time had passed, even though he hadn't even gone  _ that  _ far away - Phil still thought that he would be able to see some sort of a difference. There was none. He was still the same awkwardly tall dork that Phil had always known. 

Annoyingly, multiple people decided to make their way to Dan to say hi before Phil got to him, it was stupid of him to be jealous that Dan was talking to their friends, Dan was allowed to talk to other people. Phil just wanted to be the first one to hear all about his journey and instead Dan was surrounded by others. 

“Phil!” 

Apparently Dan wanted to talk to Phil too because after he shouted his name, he broke out from the group of people around him and made his way over. He instantly burst into a spiel about his adventures, describing in great detail how he thought the taxi driver was about to burst a vein in his forehead from being so furious at Dan for having the audacity to ask for a five minute ride. 

His hands flew through the air in grand, excited gestures, an action that was so familiar to Phil that it made his heart stutter in his chest and he didn’t even realise that he was smiling wider than he had all night. 

“Seriously Phil, I was waiting for him to turn around and deck me,” Dan said, looking far too happy about what he had just announced. “I was worried for a moment, like he had his fist clenched and everything.”

“That’s…” Phil faltered. “Dan, that’s not something to be proud of.”

Dan just laughed and Phil wondered whether he’d had something stronger than a sparkling water to get him through the journey. 

“We were on our plane getting ready to take off and they had to change us to another plane, can you believe I almost died?” Dan continued, his words mixing in with the background noise, not that it mattered because Phil wasn’t fully listening anymore. 

He was focused on the way that one of Dan’s curls had fallen out from his carefully styled hair and was draped across his forehead, sticking slightly to the sheen of perspiration. His pupils were large in the dim light making his eyes look even darker than usual, and dare he say… sultry. 

Dan was looking at him with the very definition of bedroom eyes and he didn’t even realise he was doing it, he didn't know that he was making Phil’s heart pound in his chest and his throat feel drier than the Sahara Desert. 

Dan finally asked, “what kind of trouble did you get yourself into while I was away risking my life for a Visa?” and Phil couldn't answer. 

“I- uh,” Phil stammered. 

“What?” Dan prompted as he took a sip of his Butterbeer. It left a trail of foam on his upper lip and Phil’s fingers twitched with the effort that it took to not reach out and brush it away. 

“I went for a walk?”

“Are you sure about that?” Dan teased. “You sound more like you’re asking me rather than telling.”

“I did,” Phil said after clearing his throat, he was relieved to find that his voice came out stronger. “In fact, I was caught out on a walk by a couple of our viewers.”

“Oh, good, I’ll have proof that you actually left the hotel then,” Dan said with a smirk. 

“Not what I meant,” Phil said. “They decided to ask me about your whereabouts.”

“Oh,” Dan muttered. 

“Yes, oh,” Phil said. 

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” Dan said with a shrug. “Although, saying that I checked Twitter and Tumblr and it turns out that people are completely losing their shit over the possibility of me being in The Bahamas.”

“So what are you going to do?” Phil wondered, he knew that it wasn’t in Dan’s nature to just explain what had happened. He was thriving on the conspiracies judging by his smug expression. 

“So what are you planning to do then?” Phil wondered.

“I’m going to tweet a picture of me drinking my Butterbeer and I’m going to laugh as everyone loses their minds.”

“You’re an evil man Daniel Howell.” 

“I’ll explain everything to them in the future,” Dan said with a shrug, not bothering to deny that he was an ass for purposefully winding up their viewers. “This experience will make a great video in the future. Trust me.”

“You know I do,” Phil said before he could stop himself. 

Dan opened his mouth as though he was going to say something before snapping it shut, “I’m gonna take my selfie,” he murmured and Phil knew that he was missing an opportunity to get into Dan’s brain. He knew that he could have just pushed him slightly to figure out a little more about where his mind was at, but instead he retreated. 

“Yeah, go on then, antagonise our poor viewers,” he said.

Another opportunity missed. Another chance slipping through his hands like grains of sand, and yet he knew exactly why he was missing out on every chance that was being presented to him. 

Sometimes accepting things for what they were was better than risking everything for a chance at something more and being completely rejected. As committed as he was to trying to have more than friendship with Dan, Phil knew that he would much rather have him in his life as a friend than risk losing him for good because he wanted more than Dan could give him. 

Still, his mind fought with itself as he watched Dan pose for his picture, and as the sounds of laughter and chatter surrounded them he couldn't help but think about how Dan was everything that he had ever dreamed of. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fkdsjkjs i'm sorry for the delay!!! i really really am!!!! and this may be a wee bitty rusty since it's been almost two months since i've written anything but i'm back and i'm doing my best i promise 
> 
> come hmu on tumblr @amczingphil

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!! i hope you enjoyed! hmu on tumblr @[quiffedphil](http://quiffedphil.tumblr.com/)
> 
> also check out gabs bc she inspired me to write this [@boncasphan](https://boncasphan.tumblr.com/)


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